Life Coach Eddie

On our lunch break the other day, ‘Moo and I decided to hit up the local shopping mall to fetch his lovely bride a Christmas present. Because he’s a grown man, ‘Moo had a plan, so we knew exactly which stores we were going to hit, and would be out of there in plenty of time to get back to work before our breaks were over. Things didn’t quite go as planned due to a couple of stores not having what he wanted, but this turned out to be a blessing in disguise because of one reason:

Eddie.

Eddie works at Lady Foot Locker as a sales associate (calling him simply “a cashier” is an insult to Eddie and all of the people like him who put in a lot of hard hours at the workplace). After trying, in vain, to find the right pair of shoes for ‘Moo’s boo (which might be the coolest title of all time. How would you like to be referred to as ‘’Moo’s boo’ by those closest to you? My thoughts exactly) at other stores, we found a Lady Foot Locker and walked in, heads held high. Grown men shouldn’t be scared to go in Lady Foot Locker when they’re on a business trip – and that’s exactly what it was for us. No games, no fun, no frills; just business.

“Wassup? How y’all doin’?” That was Eddie’s greeting, which made me like him that much more already. ‘Moo responded to Eddie’s inquiry and then told him the particular shoe style for which he was looking. “Oh, we definitely have that; it’s right here, here, here, and here. Those four spots.” I’m tellin’ you, Eddie was on his game. Just the type of performance I’d expect from a highly-respected sales associate at a fine retailer.

After making his selection (with a little help from me; I said “Dang, ‘Moo, those purple ones are legit.” Not that he asked for my input or anything, but I couldn’t help it. The purple shoes were, well, legit), ‘Moo headed towards the register. Sensing us coming, Eddie, without looking up, said, “yo, if you wanna buy that matching jogging suit, I’ll throw that in for fit-ty (50 dollars, for those of you who aren’t fluent in slang or my fruitless attempts at conveying slang via a keyboard).” The jogging suit was hideous, so ‘Moo wisely passed on Eddie’s offer. But the skill and personality with which Eddie delivered his pitch definitely had me considering the deal.

Luckily, ‘Moo was the one buying the gift for ‘Moo’s boo and not me. And the recession continues.

I’m sure you’re wondering, at this point, where the “life coach” role comes into play. Well, I’m glad you’re wondering, because we’ve now come to that point in the story. As we’re checking out, ‘Moo mentions that he might get his boo one more thing for Christmas, but doesn’t want to spend too much because last year she got mad at him for spending too much on her (I respect the fact that ‘Moo took that bullet, though. Can you imagine the vitriol that would’ve spewed from her had he spent too little on her? Yeesh. He definitely erred on the right side). After hearing this, Eddie, seemingly befuddled said, “your wife doesn’t want you to spend too much on her?” ‘Moo confirmed his statement, and Eddie started life-coaching.

“I feel you, dude. My girl ain’t never got mad at me for spending too much on her, but she likes to get on me for other stuff. And I’m 65% Irish (no, really, he said 65%. As in, 13/20 of his lineage is Irish. I don’t really know how he configured that but, again, it’s Eddie, so he’s obviously a reliable source) so I’m a hothead. Whenever she starts coming at me with some talk like that, I just say, ‘girl, you ain’t about to talk to me like that. Nah, I’m a man, you can’t talk to me like no kid.’”

See what I mean by “life coach” now? Dude’s just droppin’ knowledge like it’s heavy.

“And sometimes she tries to make me sleep on the couch, but you know what? I don’t even care. That's what porn's for. That’s what I tell her, too.”

Standing up to your haters; that’s an important life lesson for the children.

“When it comes down to it, the man makes better money, so she knows what it is. I just let her calm down and get her mind right.”

To reiterate, Eddie is a sales associate at Lady Foot Locker. Should I be spelling that “$ales a$$ociate” from now on? Just wondering.

Mind you, this all took place as ‘Moo is checking out. There was really no provocation; Eddie just decided that we needed to be taught some lessons. And I appreciate him for it.

After ‘Moo revealed to Eddie that he was hoping for a PlayStation 3 from his boo (great call, by the way; I’m in love with mine…my PS3, not my boo), Eddie said, “yeah, for real. I told my dad to get me one. Y’all know you can go on eBay and get one for like $50, right?” “Really?” Moo asked. “Yeah, man. ‘Cause it’s like charities and stuff that go on there and try to sell them to make money, so they just take whatever for it. You know, you just gotta bid low and you can get one.”

See? I had no idea that I could lowball a charity in order to get a cheap PlayStation 3. Where was Eddie over a year ago when I purchased mine? Goodness.

The highlight of the whole episode came towards the end of the transaction when Eddie told ‘Moo that if he’d just spend 15 more dollars, he’d get a $25 instant rebate. ‘Moo had no idea how to spend $15 more, so Eddie suggested socks. ‘Moo told him he didn’t want to spend 15 bones on socks, so Eddie simply said, “you know what? Don’t even worry about it; I’ll just take fifteen off anyway. I don't want your girl gettin' mad at you or nothin' like that.” Somehow, a $25-rebate-after-spending-$15-more became just a straight-up-$15-rebate, but whatever. When you’re a man of Eddie’s stature and esteem, you can move mountains like that.

It’s no coincidence that ‘Eddie’ and ‘selfless’ both have two e’s.

‘Moo finished up his transaction and we headed out the store after bidding adieu to our new friend. We concluded that Eddie probably doesn’t get a lot of male customers in Lady Foot Locker, so the sight of one (let alone two) makes him get really excited, causing him to drop a ton of life lessons in the span of five minutes. Honestly, it was one of the top ten performances of anything I’ve ever seen in my life. A tip of the cap, Eddie. Merry Christmas to you and your girl. I hope you get that PS3 after all. Altruism such as yours deserves a reward.

Even if it means lowballing a charity to get it.

~~ Lank