Another Reason to be Nice to Grandma

This story is just unbelievable. Literally. These guys are LIVING IN A CAVE. Keep in mind that the year is 2009, so cave-dwelling isn’t exactly en vogue these days. Once they get their $7 billion inheritance from Grandma, what are they going to do with it? I mean, seriously, they can’t have any idea how much anything costs or what type of expenses are required to maintain a certain lifestyle.

You know, because, again, they are LIVING IN A CAVE.

Do they even know how much $7 billion is? Because I know I don’t. Sure, I can say to myself, “Lank, seven billion dollars is seven-thousand-million dollars.” I can get the figure in my head, and do some quick calculations on what I could buy with that much cashola, but I honestly have no idea how to wrap my brain around $7 billion. Just for entertainment’s sake, here are a few things I think I’d be able to accomplish with that much money:

-- get a girlfriend (although, that’d defeat the purpose of being rich…so scratch that).

-- buy the Indiana Pacers.

-- start my own IndyCar Series team.

-- buy Baseball Mom and Willie P a sweet crib.

-- buy Skip lifetime sideline passes to Panthers games (I don’t know how this would work, but, again, I’d have $7 billion worth of leverage. I’m willing to drop a couple-hundred million on this alone, which may be enough to get rid of Jake Delhomme and Julius Peppers in the process. Maybe.)

-- get a Taco Bell built in my backyard, complete with full staff.

-- domesticate a grizzly bear to live in my house. He’d get his own room, by the way. And I’d name him George.

-- hire the cast of “Jersey Shore” to hang out with me until I die.

-- own a suite at The Wynn in Vegas so that whenever my friends and I were partying there (roughly 271 days per year), we’d have somewhere to change clothes before heading back to the tables.

-- hire the United States Navy to build a fighter jet called the “Lank 2-20”.

Those are all of the imperative tasks, I can think up the smaller ones later. I had to get the important ones out of the way first.

$7 billion dollars? My goodness, those dudes are about to live it up. An underrated quote in the article is when one of them says, “…no women would look at us living in a cave. But with money, maybe we can find a partner and finally have a normal life.” Guys, slow down. Really? You want to get that much money and then throw half of it away on some lady? Have you not been keeping up with the Tiger Woo…oh, that’s right, you live in cave. I forgot.

Well, at least now they won't have to rely on the income from the Geico commercials to pay the rent...er, whatever it is you have to pay for when you are LIVING IN A CAVE.

~~ Lank