In light of the recent revelation that Carolina Panthers WR Steve Smith took an unusual approach to calming down QB Jake Delhomme during Sunday's train wreck against the Eagles, I got to thinking about what some other QB/WR combinations might say to one another during their games in Week 2. After some deep meditation and personal reflection, I think I've got it all figured out. Here's my best guess as to what all 32 quarterbacks and wide receivers could say to one another during their games this week.
Arizona Cardinals QB Kurt Warner and WR Larry Fitzgerald
Warner: I don't believe I've ever been to a stadium that has so many empty seats. Goodness gracious.
Fitzgerald: I know right. I heard they might draft Tebow next year to sell tickets. You know, he's from Jacksonville and all that.
Atlanta Falcons QB Matt Ryan and WR Roddy White
Ryan: Dude, Jake just threw another pick. 89's probably gonna punch him out at the half.
White: Nah dude, Steve never beats up his teammates during games; he knows that'll get him in trouble. He saves it for meetings and practices so that nobody cares.
Baltimore Ravens QB Joe Flacco and WR Derrick Mason
Flacco: (laughing) Yo, D, you think Ron Burgundy is here? (laughing even harder)
Mason: I can't believe Keyshawn and Cris Carter tried to call me out, man. They bums. I'ma legend.
Buffalo Bills QB Trent Edwards and WR Terrell Owens
Edwards: I like playing at home, man. I don't mind playing a game or two in Toronto, but we have to stay in Buffalo. It'd suck if they moved us to Canada.
Owens: Wait, Buffalo ain't in Canada?
Carolina Panthers QB Jake Delhomme and WR Steve Smith
Delhomme: (shaking his head) Steve, I'm really sorry again. I didn't mean to throw another interception, I just forgot that we wear white jerseys on the road, too.
Smith: (rising to his feet) Whatever, man; I'ma go sit next to Feeley since he's going in. I still love you as a person, though.
Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler and WR Devin Hester
Cutler: I'm glad Polamalu isn't playing today; that dude's a beast.
Hester: You think he got hurt because he was on the cover of Madden? I do.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Carson Palmer and WR Chad Ochocinco
Palmer: Chad, you're not really going to do a Lambeau Leap if you score, right?
Ochocinco: Child, please.
Cleveland Browns QB Brady Quinn and WR Braylon Edwards
Quinn: Braylon, you've dropped three passes already. What's up with that?
Edwards: Come on, B; you know it's hard to catch passes at this altitude. It's like the ball doesn't come down or somethin'.
Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo and WR Roy Williams
Romo: (nervously) This is crazy; 100,000 people in this stadium? Have you ever seen so many people at a game?
Williams: (calmly) Tony, I played high school ball in Texas, then went to UT. Yes, I've seen this many people at a game. Don't be nervous.
Denver Broncos QB Kyle Orton and WR Brandon Marshall
Orton: We got lucky last week, man. Let's go out there and make sure that we don't need a miracle to beat this Ohio team.
Marshall: Throw me the ball, Kyle. Every down if you can. I gotta set myself up for that contract next year.
Detroit Lions QB Matthew Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson
Stafford: I can't believe I'm playing against Brett Favre. That guy is a legend. I always admired him growing up.
Johnson: Even in his prime, dude couldn't overthrow me. Real talk.
Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and WR Greg Jennings
Rodgers: I watched "Hard Knocks" this season with these guys. I think they improved a lot from last season, especially defensively.
Jennings: No matter how good that D might be this year, we gon' make 'em kiss the baby today.
Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub and WR Andre Johnson
Schaub: Our offense has to set the tone this week, man. Last week was embarrassing.
Johnson: It could be worse, Matt; Jake Delhomme could be throwing to me.
Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning and WR Reggie Wayne
Manning: Reg, great job getting open, buddy. Keep doing it, because I'm not throwing to anybody else until Gonzalez gets back.
Wayne: That's what's up, P. You know I'm gonna be open. I'm always open; even when they triple-cover me.
Jacksonville Jaguars QB David Garrard and WR Torry Holt
Garrard: Hey Torry, keep running that deep crossing route, dude. Arizona can't cover it.
Holt: I know. I played in the same division as them forever; I run crossing routes even when you don't call them because I know I'll be open.
Kansas City Chiefs QB Brodie Croyle and WR Dwayne Bowe
Croyle: Don't let Nnamdi earn that money today, D. Keep challenging him, I'll find you.
Bowe: I'm always open, Brodie. Always. Can't you at least try me deep once? I don't care if Coach Haley keeps telling you to throw screens.
Miami Dolphins QB Chad Pennington and WR Ted Ginn, Jr
Pennington: Freeney won't stay off me, man. I'm looking for you deep, but I don't have time to throw it downfield.
Ginn: It's all good, I just want Coach to call another reverse for me.
Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre and WR Percy Harvin
Favre: Look, Percy, I'm gonna teach this Stafford kid a thing or two about playing quarterback in the NFL.
Harvin: Brett, be cool, dude. Just give it to AD. He's gonna run for 250 if we let him. I'm bein' for real.
New England Patriots QB Tom Brady and WR Randy Moss
Brady: Was that my third touchdown to you today?
Moss: (nods)
New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees and WR Marques Colston
Brees: This Philly blitz is coming from all sides. I don't have enough time to throw the double-moves, so we're gonna go with more 7 routes and slants. Cool?
Colston: Just make sure I get the 7s; I want some of your TDs today, dawg.
New York Giants QB Eli Manning and WR Steve Smith
Manning: This crowd doesn't faze me, Steve. I played in the SEC.
Smith: The SEC's lame, man. I went to SC; we woulda killed all y'all's teams.
New York Jets QB Mark Sanchez and WR Jerrico Cotchery
Sanchez: My bad, J. I keep looking for you, but I can't see a thing out there. Everything's going so fast.
Cotchery: Don't worry about it, dude; that's just Bill Belichick messin' with you. (sarcastically) You'll figure it out.
Oakland Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell and WR Darrius Heyward-Bey
Russell: You know I can throw it 82 yards, right?
Heyward-Bey: Bet you can't overthrow me, man. Bet.
Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb and WR DeSean Jackson
Kolb: I just missed you on that deep one, man. I swear I'll get you next time.
Jackson: (to himself, under his breath) Get well soon, Donovan.
Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger and WR Santonio Holmes
Roethlisberger: Yo, San; why do your eyes always look yellow and half-open?
Holmes: Remember that time I got suspended for substance abuse?
San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers and WR Vincent Jackson
Rivers: Look, Baltimore brings a lot of pressure, so I might make some changes at the line to get you into slants and crossing routes.
Jackson: What are slants and crossing routes? I just go deep, baby.
San Francisco 49ers QB Shaun Hill and WR Isaac Bruce
Hill: We gotta keep the ball, man. I can't throw another pick like that last one if we're gonna have a chance.
Bruce: I'm so glad I've been giving Michael Crabtree such bad advice; I'll be the go-to option here all season long.
Seattle Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck and WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Hasselbeck: Great job, T.J. You're getting open with ease and making it easy on me to keep moving the chains.
Houshmandzadeh: Matt, why are you always looking John Carlson's way in the red zone? I need some TDs, baby.
St. Louis Rams QB Marc Bulger and WR Donnie Avery
Bulger: You think President Obama is here?
Avery: (excitedly) I hope so, dude! I could get an autograph or somethin'.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Byron Leftwich and WR Antonio Bryant
Leftwich: I'm glad we got up to Buffalo before it gets cold. That snow is no joke around here in the winter.
Bryant: I feel you, man. I'm from South Florida; there's only one kind of snow that we like down there.
Tennessee Titans QB Kerry Collins and WR Justin Gage
Collins: Don't worry, Justin; we're just throwing all those screens and dump-offs to set you up for a deep one later.
Gage: Riiiiiiiiiight.
Washington Redskins QB Jason Campbell and WR Santana Moss
Campbell: We gotta beat the Rams, man. They suck.
Moss: Yo, J, you think President Obama is here? I hope he's here; I could get an autograph or somethin'.
~~ Lank
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