Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Taco Bell Denise Is Hot
GB's Big Ten Movies of 2009

Best Film of the Year: A Serious Man
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you consider just how prolific and consistently great Joel and Ethan Coen are, it’s hard to stack anyone up against them as far as the discussion of greatest working filmmakers goes. Still, they couldn’t get a wide release for their latest masterpiece. I guess it’s because you won’t recognize anyone in it beyond wondering “Oh, it’s the guy from, uh, uh…” It’s a loose re-telling of Job, filtered through that Midwestern lens that’s so specific to the Coens. It’s the kind of personal, risky film that only first-time filmmakers and established Cinema royalty dare lay at an audience’s feet. Like the universe it examines, it raises questions that demand to be answered but cannot be. Absurd. Long live the Brothers Coen.
The Next Best Ten (in alphabetical order):
Adventureland
Greg Mottola’s follow-up to Superbad is not as laugh-out-loud funny as that film, but it’s not trying to be. It’s the kind of movie you chuckle along with all the way through because its little touches all ring so true. I did not work at an amusement park in the 80’s, but I was nostalgic for that experience anyway. Oh, and Hollywood? More work for Martin Starr, please.
District 9
The year’s most enjoyable special effects were featured in a movie that cost $200-million less than Transformers 2. Besides displaying awesomely fun splatter tactics, District 9 was that rare, thoughtful piece of original sci-fi that connected at the box office. Taking cues from “Alien Nation” and The Fly, writer/director Neil Blomkamp (with no small amount of aid from producer Peter Jackson, surely) crafted an apartheid parable that was structurally daring, emotionally resonant, and downright fun. In addition, he got one of the year’s best leading performances out of a guy who’d never really acted before. The character of Wikus Van De Merwe was already written quite well, but Sharlto Copley gets you to connect with him from the beginning when he’s pretty much a nervous, racist wuss to the end when he’s…well, I’d hate to ruin it for anybody.
The Hurt Locker
For the vast majority of its runtime, The Hurt Locker is as good as films get. Kathryn Bigelow’s direction is just plain doggone taut. My heart pounded like a heavy metal kick drum during the disarming scenes. Every point that needs to be made is made by simply showing these guys do their job. Jeremy Renner’s badass performance doesn’t hurt, either. Unfortunately, Mark Boal’s script gets bogged down by just a few scenes in which people openly discuss these points as if he’d hate for the audience to think about what they’re experiencing and tool it out. Even more unfortunate is the fact that most audiences probably appreciated that. It’s still a great film, but those scenes annoyed me.
Inglourious Basterds
Hard to deny Basterds the #1 spot. Tarantino has crafted a beautifully messy love song for Cinema, going so far as to suggest that it can win wars. It’s just enjoyable as hell. Cristoph Waltz is flat-out brilliant. Brad Pitt and his gang are riotous. Melanie Laurent is mesmerizing. My only complaint is that we don’t get to see more of the Basterds. I’d watch a four or five-hour cut of this, easy. It always takes time to tell, but this could end up being my favorite QT film.
The Road
In a just world, Viggo Mortensen would be a lock for Best Actor at any ceremony where they hand out movie awards this year. And John Hillcoat would have no problem financing any upcoming project of his choosing. Unfortunately we live in this world where Viggo is being ignored as usual, Hillcoat’s much-anticipated (by me at least) next project just fell apart, and hardly anyone is seeing or appreciating this faithful and moving adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s incredible novel. For shame. The highest prize I can give The Road is that it operates just like the beak. Casts a huge, bleak, monotonous background out of which its emotional grip sneaks and takes hold of you. You don’t even realize the extent to which the story is working on you, then suddenly you’re torn apart inside.
Star Trek
Considering I like sci-fi and write sci-fi, a lot of people are surprised to learn that, prior to 2009, the only piece of Star Trek fiction I’ve ever experienced in its entirety was The Wrath of Khan, which is not shabby at all. No real reason, just never got into the series. But I am into JJ Abrams, brother. And I will test any water with his name on it. The man doesn’t disappoint with this reboot of the long-running franchise. The first act of Star Trek is perfect. Science fiction doesn’t get better. The end of the film doesn’t match the brilliance of the beginning and there are some difficult plot holes to work through, but it soars far above the typical summer blockbuster and is really re-watchable. Also, based on the trailers, I thought I was going to hate Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, but he’s fantastic. I am an official fan.
Up in the Air
In Jason Reitman’s debut feature, Thank You for Smoking, Aaron Eckhart played a world-class tobacco lobbyist, a man who thrived at his job that thrived on keeping people addicted to poisonous cigarettes. In Reitman’s latest, Up in the Air, George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a legend in his business, which is to fly around the country firing people. His job thrives on other people losing theirs. In the current economic state, his business is booming. The two films make very interesting companion pieces, studies of men who are achieving their dreams, which have the side effect of detaching them from any sort of binding human connection. Ryan Bingham is unafraid to compellingly argue that this is maybe not such a big deal. Or maybe it is. At the very least, the debate is more complex than most people would like to think. It’s a film well-fit for its time, and one that has stuck deeply in my mind. Great performances across the board. (Though I could’ve used more Zach Galifiankais.) Reitman has knocked it out of the park three times in a row now, and he’s kind enough to consistently take the story in unexpected directions en route to a pleasingly difficult ending.
Watchmen
Trying to adapt any Alan Moore property is a pretty thankless job. If you screw with it at all, fanboys are going to crucify you, and a story like Watchmen is too dense to faithfully adapt for a theatrical release. But that’s what Zach Snyder attempted, and he comes about as close as anybody could to getting it just right. It’s a visual master-stroke that will reward repeat viewings (perhaps even require them for most), revealing its layers of story and philosophy and critique of superhero lore. The “Ultimate Cut”, which re-inserts deleted scenes and splices in the animated comic “Tales from the Black Freighter”, gets even closer to the sprawling meta-work that was Alan Moore’s comic, but will probably just be more confusing for non-fans. And yes, he changed the ending, but it probably works better cinematically then the squid ending could have.
Where the Wild Things Are
So, the story goes that sudio execs were terrified of Spike Jonze and co-writer Dave Eggers’ adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s classic story. Kids cried at test screenings. It was too dark. It was too adult. The more of this I heard, the more I prayed that that was the version I’d get to see. I’m pretty sure it was, and now I totally understand their fears. It is a bizarre film to put in wide release. Like the book before it, there’s very little plot to this story of a boy who becomes king of a gang of wild creatures inside his own mind. Where the book was ten sentences, though, the movie’s 100 minutes long. A very grown-up, 100-minute musing on what it feels like to be nine years old. With awesome giant puppets. What can I say? It made me cry. God bless Spike Jonze. And God bless Warner Brothers’ approach to their tentpoles. They let Christopher Nolan do his brilliant thing with Batman. They’ve steered the Harry Potter films in a respectable direction. And they’ve taken laudable risks on bold directorial visions this year between Jonze and Zach Snyder (Watchmen).
Zombieland
The best surprise of the year. I had very, very mild expectations for Z-Land, but it’s a helluva good time. Jesse Eisenberg plays Jesse Eisenberg, but it works. Woody Harrelson is pitch-perfect. And Emma Stone moved into official crush territory. What really shocked me was that it went beyond a “funny zombie movie”. It was really more a mash-up of zombies and an indie teen romance, and fires on all cylinders. Probably the most fun I had at the movies this year.
Ten More (Honorable mention):
(500) Days of Summer
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Away We Go
Big Fan
The Damned United
Fantastic Mr. Fox
Funny People
In the Loop
Moon
Up
Movies I didn’t get to see that I suspect could’ve altered the list:
A Single Man
The White Ribbon
Crazy Heart
Worst Piece of Crap Movie of the Year:
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Lank note: I didn't tell him to put this up here, it's just really that bad. Yes, I detested them making a movie out of my favorite childhood cartoon and said as much all summer long, but I honestly didn't tell GB to do me any favors with this one. Again, it just sucked a lot.)
~~ GB
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Taking Advice from The Veteran

Karl Keepin' It Real

Thursday, December 31, 2009
Lank's Favorite Movies of 2009

Since everyone and their brother seems to be making up a list of their favorite things of the year (and decade), I figured I’d be arrogant enough to think that you’re wondering what my favorite movies of the year were.
A couple of rules here:
-- These are my favorite movies of the year; not necessarily the most technically perfect. “Avatar” was a landmark achievement in filmmaking, but I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.
-- There are a couple movies on my list that were released in 2008, but I actually saw them in 2009. That counts in my book. I can’t call them the best of 2008 if I didn’t see them until the following year
-- I stuck to movies that I saw in theaters. I’d never seen any of the X-Men movies until 2009 (it’s a long story; don’t ask), but watched them all on DVD this summer. That doesn’t count. How is that different than my previous rule? I don’t know, but it just is.
I think that’s it for rules. Let’s get to the meat-and-taters and give the people what they paid to see, shall we?. Without further ado…
10.) Public Enemies – This Michael Mann film, starring Johnny Depp Christian Bale, and Marion Cotillard, was one of the most-anticipated movies of the year for me. During my live-blogs of the NBA Finals, I probably mentioned “Public Enemies” at least 13 times. As I said in my review, there were some things about it I didn’t like. The pace early on was somewhat slow and there really wasn’t a narrative forming until about 1/3 of the way through the film. However, once Mann zeroed in on his topic (the fast-living and capers of John Dillinger), “Public Enemies” went to the next level. The last half-hour or so of this movie is downright superb and left me leaving the movie theater with an overwhelmingly positive feeling about how I’d spent the previous two hours. Full of good action, good lines, and a good story, “Public Enemies” was certainly worth the wait for me.
9.) The Blind Side – Yeah, I went there. When I first heard that they were making a movie about the life and times of Ravens OG Michael Oher, I was skeptical. I’d heard that the book on which the movie is based (written by Michael Lewis) was very good, but that doesn’t always mean a movie is a good idea. The previews came out, the buzz built, and I decided that I really wanted to see it. And I’m certainly glad that I did. Charming without ever being hokey; inspiring without ever being too preachy; and emotional without ever being too sappy; “The Blind Side” really hit on all aspects of the story equally well. Oher’s football career is documented, of course, but the relationship between he and his new family is explored as well. Sandra Bullock does a terrific job as Leigh Anne Tuohy, Michael’s “new mom”, and really gives the film its character. I can’t say that I cried during the movie, but I will admit that I had something in my eye during a scene or two. You should watch “The Blind Side”; you really should.
8.) Watchmen – Initially, I didn’t have much of a desire to see this one. I saw the trailer during my first viewing of “The Dark Knight” and thought it was fantastic. All of the action, with The Smashing Pumpkins song in the background, and a Rorschach voice-over? Superb. That got my interesting going a little bit, but the reviews were mixed upon its release so I didn’t get much of a boost from that. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot, and I’m really glad that I did. Yeah, there were some plot holes and it was a touch too long, but man, what an epic movie. The action scenes were fabulous, it has a great look to it, and the story itself was quite engrossing. You could feel the plight of these superheroes as they saw their friends being picked off one by one. I haven’t read the comic books, so I can’t give you an opinion of its loyalty to the original story; but I can say that I liked the film incarnation of “Watchmen” just fine.
7.) Zombieland – Probably the most fun I had in the movie theaters this year. Talk about a movie that knew exactly what it was and exactly what it wasn’t. Obviously, knowing that Woody Harrelson was killing zombies meant that I was going to see it regardless, but “Zombieland” surprised me with its sense of humor and irreverent charm. Never a dull moment in this movie, and just when you think things might be bogging down, Woody finds another zombie to kill in a badass way. The movie is quite gory and has some choice language, so it’s not for everyone. But if you enjoy tons of fun, a lot of action, and some genuinely good laughs, “Zombieland” is for you. Considering I enjoy all of those things immensely, and Woody Harrelson wrecking shop, I couldn’t have enjoyed this movie any more than I did.
6.) Up in the Air – A late entry into my top ten considering I just saw it a few days ago. No, this isn’t one of those “what I just saw is the best thing that I saw” type deals. What do you think I am, an Academy Award voter (why else do you think studios release their “Oscar-worthy” films at the very end of the year)? I really liked “Up in the Air”. The dialogue is sharp, the story is very interesting (and pertinent in these times), and George Clooney has never been better. If you thought he was cool and charming in the “Ocean’s” movies, wait until you see him as Ryan Bingham in this one. You probably think that I’m biased since I’m in love with her, but Anna Kendrick was lights-out as Natalie Keener, a fresh-out-of-college career woman who is the yin to Bingham’s yang. The two play off each other well and give the movie its spirit. As you watch this movie, you run the gambit of emotions and see the characters in several different lights. As character-driven movies go, this is just about as good as it gets.
5.) Star Trek – For the record, I’m not a Trekkie. Glad we cleared that up. Big Brother he told me that he didn’t want to see this movie because he didn’t like Star Trek in general. Fair enough, but I didn’t like the whole Star Trek thing either before seeing the movie (and still don’t, to be honest). However, when the previews were released, I noticed that it didn’t have the traditional Star Trek feel, and it seemed like more of a recent Star Trek, if that makes sense. Rather than being confined to spaceships and crazy galaxies, the characters were on the ground, in school, and behaving, well, normally. Plus, J.J. Abrams directed it, and I trust that guy. I saw it, and I loved it. The story was well-paced, yet informative. I didn’t feel like I missed any of the nuances of the story because Abrams was in a hurry to blow up something else. Since it’s a “reset” of the franchise, I got an education in Star Trek without having to catch up on older movies. Basically, “Star Trek” hit on all the right notes while avoiding the landmines that come with doing a film for such a famous brand. Apparently, even the old-school Trekkies liked it and thought it did justice to the original story. Who would have wagered on that? Well done, Mr. Abrams; well done, indeed.
4.) Up – In a way, this was my favorite movie on 2009. To try to describe the plot of this tale would risk getting my institutionalized, so I’ll just tell you what I thought about it. Visually, “Up” was mesmeric. The balloon-fueled house soaring over the city and into the jungle was just awe-inspiring. I don’t know how those Pixar dudes do what they do; but I’m really glad that they do (that made sense, I think). There is a scene early on that does not have a single word of dialogue, not one, and still manages to make people with any semblance of sensitivity cry. Strictly through the images and emotion pouring from the screen. Amazing. Plot-wise, “Up” is very well done. All of the twists and turns have a point, and there is never a scene in which you find yourself wondering how it ties into the overarching story. The characters are remarkably developed, and you find yourself rooting for some and rooting against the others simply because of who they are and what they stand for. There are many, many funny moments that draw genuine laughs from anyone watching the movie. If you’re not laughing when Russell’s face is loudly dragging across the window of Muntz’s zeppelin, then I don’t want to know you. All in all, “Up” manages to tell a funny, exciting, heartwarming story without ever being cheesy and without relying on the stunning visuals to carry it. What people fail to realize about Pixar is that when they make a movie, they don’t make something pretty and then shoehorn in a story; they write a fascinating story and then add in the visuals. And it shows with a classic like “Up”.
3.) The Hangover – Come on now, you knew it was coming. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much in a movie theater. Sure, it probably doesn’t have the technical merits of “Up” or the charm of “Up in the Air”, but I had a really, really good time watching “The Hangover”. The story is quite original in its own right. Yeah, the “let’s go to a vacation spot and have something crazy happen” angle isn’t new, but the way in which the story was told is. Rather than showing the debauchery that occurred the night Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil went to Vegas for Doug’s bachelor party and ended up losing Doug, the story begins with the trip to Vegas, but then skips ahead to the morning after. From there, the memory-impaired trio must attempt to retrace their steps from the night before in order to find their lost friend (and groom). Hilarity ensues, their story goes from crazy to crazier, and the laughs keep coming. The dialogue in the movie is great, and the chemistry between the nerd (Stu), the cool friend (Phil), and the eccentric brother-in-law-to-be (Alan) really shines. It’s one of those movies that you think would be a lot of fun to make because everyone in the movie seems to be having a good time. Mike Tyson’s cameo, a tiger in the bathroom, and a white baby named Carlos; what else could you ask for? For me, the answer is nothing.
2.) Slumdog Millionaire – Remember how I mentioned that there would be a movie or two from 2008 that would be on the list? Yeah, here’s the first one. Released late last year, I saw “Slumdog” in February 2009, a few days after my birthday. I’d heard all of the hype and what not, but my homeboy GB told me to see it, and when GB tells me to see a movie, I probably need to see it. Without giving too much away, “Slumdog” is about an Indian young man who gets on the Indian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” in order to attract the attention of his childhood love interest, who he knows is a fan of the show. Despite not having any formal education, the guy is able to answer questions based on previous life experiences. Those experiences comprise the bulk of the movie, as we see his evolution from young boy to young man in these flashbacks. “Slumdog” is very intense and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout. Not in a thriller-genre type way, but in a “man, I can’t wait to see what happens next” type of way. You’re never scared, but you are captivated the entire time you’re watching it. The way the filmmaker, Danny Boyle, intertwines the flashback scenes with the present-day action is pure genius, and gives “Slumdog” a wonderful pace. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so ASAP. It’s one of the rare movies that actually lives up to the hype.
1.) The Wrestler – And here is the other movie from 2008 that makes my list. It happens to be the chart-topper, no less. This isn’t some commentary on the lackluster filmmaking in 2009 or anything silly like that, I just really liked these two movies, especially “The Wrestler”. As a kid, I grew up watching professional wrestling religiously. From about 1990 through 2000, I could name every wrestler in both major promotions (WCW and WWF), the storylines in which he/she was involved, his/her favorite moves, and the other personas that that wrestler had used. I was a wrestling junkie. If you try to tell me that Demolition was better than the Road Warriors, I really might try to fight you. Anyway, being a fan also had its downside. Mainly, when wrestlers die young (as many of them do, sadly), you begin to wonder what it took for those guys to entertain you every night. The toll that it takes on their bodies is massive, and the mental repercussions of performing in such a profession begin to manifest as well. I say all that to say this: “The Wrestler” showed me what the dark side of professional wrestling looks like. It was gripping, emotional, and sometimes dreary. Watching Mickey Rourke portray Randy “The Ram” Robinson was like watching one of my old favorite wrestlers bandy about in society trying to find their way outside the only world they’ve ever known. Once the arena lights and crowd noise are removed from these guys’ lives, they never quite behave the same. They know nothing else. For too long, wrestlers have been dying too soon at an alarming rate and their story was never told. Thanks to director Darren Aronofsky and Rourke’s legendary performance, we got a glimpse into the under belly of pro wrestling. No, it wasn’t pretty, but I can honestly say that I will never forget the way that “The Wrestler” made me feel while I was watching it, and the way that it made me think after I left the theater. Rest in peace to all of my childhood heroes of the squared circle who are no longer with us.
There you have it. My ten favorite movies of 2009. What do you think? Do you agree for the most part? Disagree for the most part? I realize that I left out some movies that a lot you liked, but there were some that I wasn’t so fond of, and others that I just didn’t get around to seeing. Here’s a quick list of movies that I wanted to see, but never did so: Inglourious Basterds, State of
~~ Lank
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Cat Whisperer
I alluded to this little episode in my Christmas recap, but here it is in all its glory.
My buddy, Dirty D, wanted to get his mom a new kitten for Christmas. His family has one, but they’d previously owned another one before it passed away, so he wanted to get the total back to two. Without having a car to drive, he asked me if I would mind taking him to get the new kitten. I had no qualms with it, and was happy to help a brotha out…especially when it comes to buying Mom Dukes a Christmas present. Due to needing to keep the kitten with its mother for a certain timeframe, the earliest we could pick up the kitten was Christmas Eve. No biggie, this would only take an hour or so, right?
Wrong.
We set off to get the kitten from a couple whose cat had just delivered a litter of them (I don’t know if “litter” is the proper term for cats, but I know that it is for dogs, so we’ll just use it anyway, ok? Thanks, I knew you’d understand). Dirty D picks up the kitten, makes some small talk with the couple, and then tells me that he’d appreciate it if we stopped by Wal-Mart or PetSmart to pick up a few things for Little Kitty Thing (who will now be referred to as ‘LKT’ for the remainder of the post). Yeah, not a problem, how long can it take? A half hour at most?
Try again.
Wal-Mart was more crowded than a mall with Justin Bieber playing, so we decided PetSmart would be the better option; especially since LKT could come in with us (for the record, I hate cats. I think they bring nothing to the table as pets and cost entirely too much since you get zero return on your investment. Well, except sass and attitude. And if I wanted sass and attitude, I’d just get a girlfriend, but that’s neither here nor there…). This is literally how the beginning of our trip to PetSmart went:
Dirty D (holding LKT): “Yo, could you grab a cart so we can put the stuff in it?”
Me (not holding LKT): “Yeah, sure.”
I turn around to grab a cart.
I hear some chatter going on behind me.
I grab the cart, whip back around, and BOOM, there she is…The Cat Whisperer.
I’m like 97.2% sure she rappelled from the ceiling or something. Maybe she came up from beneath us. I honestly wouldn’t call you a liar if you told me that she’d vaporized upon seeing us and then regenerated at our location. I mean, it was ninja-esque. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew I’d better block out a solid hour for this trip to PetSmart. Yippee.
The Cat Whisperer: “Hi, my name is (The Cat Whisperer); do you need help with getting some things for your new kitten?”
Me (in my head, though I almost blurted it out): “For the love of God, D; please say no. Please, please, please say no.”
Dirty D: “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”
Me (again, in my head, but I got even closer to blurting this out): “Awesome? Seriously? You think that’d be awesome? I think I’d rather be tied down while a bunch of kindergartners pull my hair and paint all over my clothes. Awesome?”
The Cat Whisperer then proceeds to tell us that she owns like 3,148 cats, has worked in a cat adoption agency for years, and volunteers at PetSmart’s adoption clinic to help out new owners.
Fantastic. This just keeps getting better and better.
The Cat Whisperer grabs her cart, which has four cats in travel carriers in it. Seriously, I counted them. At first I thought they were empty travel carriers that she was stocking or something. But no, they definitely had cats in them. All of them. While sitting in a shopping cart. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda weird? Yes? Ok, never mind then.
Being an optimist, I try to convince myself that her experience is going to lead to a quick trip through PetSmart since she’ll know exactly where everything is, and exactly what LKT will need to grow up big and strong like ox. The 2% of me that’s a pessimist realized that this could also mean that she’d take her sweet time explaining every nuance of every product to us, “informing” us so that we could make the best decision for our new kitten (and by “we”, I mean “Dirty D”, because I didn’t care what we bought as long as it didn’t kill LKT).
I hate it when my pessimist side is right; I really do.
For the next 45 minutes, we peruse the aisles as The Cat Whisperer gives us the in-and-out of every product. Food, toys, beds, bowls; you name it, we got the lowdown on it. The sad thing is that Dirty D wasn’t looking for anything too fancy, because LKT just needed a temporary home until he was old enough to be introduced to the rest of the house (and the other cat). The other sad thing is that Dirty D could tell by the pained expression on my face that I really wanted to vamoose, but he proceeded to ask more and more questions anyway. I respect the fact that he’s a caring owner and wants to do right by LKT; I really do.
But Lank was ready to roll (yes, I just went third-person on you).
Finally, we get everything that we “needed” and say farewell to The Cat Whisperer. She lectured us on proper feeding techniques before she dismissed us from class, and told us to come back and see her if we had any questions or concerns. At least now I know what I can do if I ever have a good hour or so that I need to waste. Glad that’s cleared up.
We check out, put all of LKT’s goodies in my car and head home. Once we’re there, we smuggled LKT and his treasure trove into Dirty D’s room. His mother was unaware that he was getting her a kitten, so we had to be secretive once we got back to his house. That, and his dad probably would’ve punted LKT 50 yards had he known he existed before Dirty D presented LKT to his mom, so the stakes were high.
All’s well that ends well, right? Dirty D kept LKT hidden, his mom was very, very happy with her gift the next day, and LKT got a real name: Peanut.
So, Peanut, live a full, healthy life; respect your elders; say your prayers; take your vitamins; and behave for Uncle Lank whenever he comes to visit. Lord knows that he and Brother Dirty D had to dodge some bullets to get you where you are, so appreciate our efforts and make our trip worthwhile.
Man, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like I should have titled this post “Saving Private Peanut".
~~ Lank
The Joys (And Woes) of Christmas
Seasons Greetings and all of that good stuff. I hope that everyone had a delightful Christmas and got some good presents from old St. Nick. Because I know you were curious about how my holiday vacation went, I’ll be glad to give you some highlights (and lowlights) of my (almost) week at home with Willie P, Baseball Mom, and Big Brother.
-- Going to a high school reunion and seeing some folks that I hadn’t seen in forever. Despite being a young’n, enough time has passed since my high school glory days that it’s good to catch up with old classmates.
-- At said reunion, I was one of the few white people in attendance as my high school was predominantly black. During one episode that night, my homeboy, EP, was trying to close out his tab and was having issues with the bartender. A middle-aged woman, who was sitting next to where EP was standing and, thus, heard everything that was going on, saw me standing next to EP and said, “excuse me, do you work here?” to which EP, without missing a beat, replied, “nah, he’s just white.” Guilty as charged.
-- Seeing “Up in the Air” with Baseball Mom and Willie P. A very good movie. Go see it. Tell ‘em Lank sent ya. Not that that will do anything at the box office, but I’ve always wanted to say that for some reason. Oh, and the movie also gave me a great line to use to my “elders”. Anna Kendrick’s character is talking to George Clooney and Vera Farmiga’s characters, and she says, “I appreciate what your generation did for me…” which can be used myriad ways. I spent the rest of the weekend telling my parents that I appreciate what their generation did for me while doing various things. My testing is still in the beta phase, but I really think I can put that line to good use. I’ll keep you posted.
-- A highlight and lowlight happened on the same trip. I drove a friend of mine to get a new kitten for his mom as a Christmas gift. We got the cat without a problem and things were going well…until we had an encounter with the Cat Whisperer, which is deserving of its own post. Not fun.
-- Kicking it with my boys G’zy and Lefty until 5 am on Saturday night. I hadn’t seen either of them in too long, so it was nice to be up to our old tricks again. I tried to convince Baseball Mom the next morning (later that morning?) that I actually got in around 1 am, but she wasn’t having it. I still haven’t conceded this point to her. (It was also that night that I was introduced to this, so that's obviously another highlight of the weekend.)
-- The Spurs dropping a game to
-- Since we’re discussing sports teams (and by “we”, I mean “me”), the Blues lost two out of three over my break, the Spurs won two out of three, and the Colts JV lost to the Jets. Not exactly the exhilarating weekend I had in mind sports-wise.
-- I can’t decide if it’s a highlight or a lowlight, but hearing about Urban Meyer’s “resignation” almost put Big Brother on suicide watch. Obviously, I don’t want my brother to off himself, but the thought of the best coach in
-- A trifecta courtesy of one of my friends: she called me on her way into town Wednesday night and talked with me for a couple hours. Then, I got to see her the next day on my way home from the Cat Whisperer experience, and she was somehow wearing a pretty sweet onesie that looked impossible for anyone older than 11 to fit into. But she pulled it off, bless her heart. Finally, she informed me that her parents are fans of Skip To My Lank; so thanks to them for that. All in all, she pushed all the right buttons.
-- Skip ripping into Los Heels for their performance in the Tire Bowl was quite amusing. It was about 5 minutes of unfiltered Skip; and that’s something that I’m never not a fan of. I don’t know if that last sentence makes sense to anyone else but me, but whatever.
-- Not getting to watch a full run of “A Christmas Story” despite its 24-hour loop on TBS. I know, I know; I’m ashamed of me, too.
-- Without question, the highlight of highlights for Christmas ’09 was the look on my parents’ faces when Big Brother and I strolled into their apartment with a brand new 37” LCD TV. The mix of surprise/gratitude/appreciation/shock/joy in their expressions was great to see; and considering that they’ve been responsible for about 100 of those looks from my brother and me in our lifetimes, it was fun to finally turn the tables on them for a change. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad; we love you. And we also love that we’ll be able to watch all of our shows in HD when we come home now.
~~ Lank
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Philosophical Question of the Day
This is the type of question that keeps us up at night here at Skip To My Lank. We need answers.
~~ Skip and Lank
Life Coach Eddie
Eddie.
Eddie works at Lady Foot Locker as a sales associate (calling him simply “a cashier” is an insult to Eddie and all of the people like him who put in a lot of hard hours at the workplace). After trying, in vain, to find the right pair of shoes for ‘Moo’s boo (which might be the coolest title of all time. How would you like to be referred to as ‘’Moo’s boo’ by those closest to you? My thoughts exactly) at other stores, we found a Lady Foot Locker and walked in, heads held high. Grown men shouldn’t be scared to go in Lady Foot Locker when they’re on a business trip – and that’s exactly what it was for us. No games, no fun, no frills; just business.
“Wassup? How y’all doin’?” That was Eddie’s greeting, which made me like him that much more already. ‘Moo responded to Eddie’s inquiry and then told him the particular shoe style for which he was looking. “Oh, we definitely have that; it’s right here, here, here, and here. Those four spots.” I’m tellin’ you, Eddie was on his game. Just the type of performance I’d expect from a highly-respected sales associate at a fine retailer.
After making his selection (with a little help from me; I said “Dang, ‘Moo, those purple ones are legit.” Not that he asked for my input or anything, but I couldn’t help it. The purple shoes were, well, legit), ‘Moo headed towards the register. Sensing us coming, Eddie, without looking up, said, “yo, if you wanna buy that matching jogging suit, I’ll throw that in for fit-ty (50 dollars, for those of you who aren’t fluent in slang or my fruitless attempts at conveying slang via a keyboard).” The jogging suit was hideous, so ‘Moo wisely passed on Eddie’s offer. But the skill and personality with which Eddie delivered his pitch definitely had me considering the deal.
Luckily, ‘Moo was the one buying the gift for ‘Moo’s boo and not me. And the recession continues.
I’m sure you’re wondering, at this point, where the “life coach” role comes into play. Well, I’m glad you’re wondering, because we’ve now come to that point in the story. As we’re checking out, ‘Moo mentions that he might get his boo one more thing for Christmas, but doesn’t want to spend too much because last year she got mad at him for spending too much on her (I respect the fact that ‘Moo took that bullet, though. Can you imagine the vitriol that would’ve spewed from her had he spent too little on her? Yeesh. He definitely erred on the right side). After hearing this, Eddie, seemingly befuddled said, “your wife doesn’t want you to spend too much on her?” ‘Moo confirmed his statement, and Eddie started life-coaching.
“I feel you, dude. My girl ain’t never got mad at me for spending too much on her, but she likes to get on me for other stuff. And I’m 65% Irish (no, really, he said 65%. As in, 13/20 of his lineage is Irish. I don’t really know how he configured that but, again, it’s Eddie, so he’s obviously a reliable source) so I’m a hothead. Whenever she starts coming at me with some talk like that, I just say, ‘girl, you ain’t about to talk to me like that. Nah, I’m a man, you can’t talk to me like no kid.’”
See what I mean by “life coach” now? Dude’s just droppin’ knowledge like it’s heavy.
“And sometimes she tries to make me sleep on the couch, but you know what? I don’t even care. That's what porn's for. That’s what I tell her, too.”
Standing up to your haters; that’s an important life lesson for the children.
“When it comes down to it, the man makes better money, so she knows what it is. I just let her calm down and get her mind right.”
To reiterate, Eddie is a sales associate at Lady Foot Locker. Should I be spelling that “$ales a$$ociate” from now on? Just wondering.
Mind you, this all took place as ‘Moo is checking out. There was really no provocation; Eddie just decided that we needed to be taught some lessons. And I appreciate him for it.
After ‘Moo revealed to Eddie that he was hoping for a PlayStation 3 from his boo (great call, by the way; I’m in love with mine…my PS3, not my boo), Eddie said, “yeah, for real. I told my dad to get me one. Y’all know you can go on eBay and get one for like $50, right?” “Really?” Moo asked. “Yeah, man. ‘Cause it’s like charities and stuff that go on there and try to sell them to make money, so they just take whatever for it. You know, you just gotta bid low and you can get one.”
See? I had no idea that I could lowball a charity in order to get a cheap PlayStation 3. Where was Eddie over a year ago when I purchased mine? Goodness.
The highlight of the whole episode came towards the end of the transaction when Eddie told ‘Moo that if he’d just spend 15 more dollars, he’d get a $25 instant rebate. ‘Moo had no idea how to spend $15 more, so Eddie suggested socks. ‘Moo told him he didn’t want to spend 15 bones on socks, so Eddie simply said, “you know what? Don’t even worry about it; I’ll just take fifteen off anyway. I don't want your girl gettin' mad at you or nothin' like that.” Somehow, a $25-rebate-after-spending-$15-more became just a straight-up-$15-rebate, but whatever. When you’re a man of Eddie’s stature and esteem, you can move mountains like that.
It’s no coincidence that ‘Eddie’ and ‘selfless’ both have two e’s.
‘Moo finished up his transaction and we headed out the store after bidding adieu to our new friend. We concluded that Eddie probably doesn’t get a lot of male customers in Lady Foot Locker, so the sight of one (let alone two) makes him get really excited, causing him to drop a ton of life lessons in the span of five minutes. Honestly, it was one of the top ten performances of anything I’ve ever seen in my life. A tip of the cap, Eddie. Merry Christmas to you and your girl. I hope you get that PS3 after all. Altruism such as yours deserves a reward.
Even if it means lowballing a charity to get it.
~~ Lank
Friday, December 18, 2009
Because I Love You...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I Think I Fell in Love Again

Listen, I’m a simple man. All I want to do these days is drive The Civic, play video games, produce content for Skip To My Lank, watch the Colts/‘Noles/Blues/Spurs play, laugh at jokes that I should be too mature to laugh at but I’m not, watch movies on Blu-ray (I recently bought “The Hangover”), play hide-and-seek with my one-year-old neighbor, text as many people as possible in the course of a day, have important-only-to-us arguments with Skip (i.e. is Fat Joe a hip-hop hall-of-famer?), and pity my roommates, both of whom are in long-term relationships.
But then I had to go and fall in love. Again. Crap.
I don’t have the time or money to be in a relationship. Look at all of those super-important activities I listed above. How am I supposed to do all of that with a new boo? I’m getting ready to lose my job, how am I supposed to afford date nights and birthday presents? I know what you’re asking yourself: “ok, Lank; why are you contemplating being in a relationship then?”
Good question. And here’s my answer: Anna Kendrick.
My, oh my, oh my, what a beauty. As I saw the trailer for “Up in the Air” (which looks tremendous, by the way), I became enamored with George Clooney’s young co-star. I couldn’t quite recall her name when I saw her, but I knew I’d seen her before and that I wholeheartedly approved of her appearance. After doing a little research, I saw that Anna Kendrick was her name; and that I’d seen her in “Twilight” and “New Moon” (don’t judge). Needless to say, I’ve been smitten ever since and, despite my best efforts to remain single, would marry her tomorrow if she asked me to.
I hope Baseball Mom approves.
~~ Lank
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Lank and The Civic

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Sale Defends Billy Corgan
Monday, December 14, 2009
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