Showing posts with label Miscellaneous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscellaneous. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Taco Bell Denise Is Hot

At first, I thought it was just me. Then, I asked a couple people and they agreed. After that, I did a Google search to see if anyone else shared my opinion. The next thing I know, I realized that I'm merely one of thousands that enjoys the (virtual) company of one lovely young lady.

Taco Bell Denise.

The name doesn't ring a bell (a-thank you)? Allow me to jog your memory/stimulate your sense of sight.




Taco Bell Denise is hot. Apparently, according to an inside source (thanks, 'Moo), Taco Bell Denise's real name is Nikki Danielle Moore, and she was in a few episodes of "8 Simple Rules" on ABC a few years back. I prefer to call her Taco Bell Denise (never TBD, because there's nothing 'to be determined' about her; she's a fox), and I really hope that she transfers locations to my neighborhood Taco Bell as soon as possible. I already visit the Bell too much as is, can you imagine how much I'd frequent the place if Taco Bell Denise worked there? My goodness, I'd probably get a restraining order placed on me or something. I'm like the guy in the commercial; I'd be much more comfortable ordering with Denise, too.

I'm not quite sure if Taco Bell Denise has captured my heart the way Anna Kendrick has, but let's just say that Taco Bell Denise has tons of momentum right now. Not only is she easy on the eyes, but she works at frickin' Taco Bell. In addition to exemplary companionship, Taco Bell Denise can also offer to bring over tacos and nachos galore when she finishes a shift. Obviously, Anna Kendrick can probably afford a taco or two, but is it the same? I say no. Taco Bell Denise is just a humble, hard-working member of the retail world; what's not to like about that? At the end of the day, I can't make a decision until Taco Bell Denise's commercial goes off the air and I'm able to spend some time away from her. You never know what you have until it's gone, right?

But if I get my way, that spot will never go off the air, and it'll run on a loop every time the show I'm watching has to cut to a commercial break. Long live Taco Bell Denise.

~~ Lank

GB's Big Ten Movies of 2009


My boy, GB, first came to fame on Skip To My Lank by delivering one of my favorite quotes of 2009. Now, partly because I asked him to, partly because he was doing it anyway, and partly because he was inspired by my list, GB is here to deliver his Big Ten movies of 2009. It's called his "Big Ten" because there are eleven movies. If you don't get the humor in that, then I really think we need to start seeing other people. Basically, GB is an aspiring filmmaker, and has forgotten more about movies than I'll ever know. I value his opinion and would prefer that if you were forced to choose between my list and his, you'd read his. It's that serious. The fact that he and I shared some of the same favorite makes me feel better about my choices. Without further ado...

Best Film of the Year: A Serious Man

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you consider just how prolific and consistently great Joel and Ethan Coen are, it’s hard to stack anyone up against them as far as the discussion of greatest working filmmakers goes. Still, they couldn’t get a wide release for their latest masterpiece. I guess it’s because you won’t recognize anyone in it beyond wondering “Oh, it’s the guy from, uh, uh…” It’s a loose re-telling of Job, filtered through that Midwestern lens that’s so specific to the Coens. It’s the kind of personal, risky film that only first-time filmmakers and established Cinema royalty dare lay at an audience’s feet. Like the universe it examines, it raises questions that demand to be answered but cannot be. Absurd. Long live the Brothers Coen.

The Next Best Ten (in alphabetical order):

Adventureland

Greg Mottola’s follow-up to Superbad is not as laugh-out-loud funny as that film, but it’s not trying to be. It’s the kind of movie you chuckle along with all the way through because its little touches all ring so true. I did not work at an amusement park in the 80’s, but I was nostalgic for that experience anyway. Oh, and Hollywood? More work for Martin Starr, please.

District 9

The year’s most enjoyable special effects were featured in a movie that cost $200-million less than Transformers 2. Besides displaying awesomely fun splatter tactics, District 9 was that rare, thoughtful piece of original sci-fi that connected at the box office. Taking cues from “Alien Nation” and The Fly, writer/director Neil Blomkamp (with no small amount of aid from producer Peter Jackson, surely) crafted an apartheid parable that was structurally daring, emotionally resonant, and downright fun. In addition, he got one of the year’s best leading performances out of a guy who’d never really acted before. The character of Wikus Van De Merwe was already written quite well, but Sharlto Copley gets you to connect with him from the beginning when he’s pretty much a nervous, racist wuss to the end when he’s…well, I’d hate to ruin it for anybody.

The Hurt Locker

For the vast majority of its runtime, The Hurt Locker is as good as films get. Kathryn Bigelow’s direction is just plain doggone taut. My heart pounded like a heavy metal kick drum during the disarming scenes. Every point that needs to be made is made by simply showing these guys do their job. Jeremy Renner’s badass performance doesn’t hurt, either. Unfortunately, Mark Boal’s script gets bogged down by just a few scenes in which people openly discuss these points as if he’d hate for the audience to think about what they’re experiencing and tool it out. Even more unfortunate is the fact that most audiences probably appreciated that. It’s still a great film, but those scenes annoyed me.

Inglourious Basterds

Hard to deny Basterds the #1 spot. Tarantino has crafted a beautifully messy love song for Cinema, going so far as to suggest that it can win wars. It’s just enjoyable as hell. Cristoph Waltz is flat-out brilliant. Brad Pitt and his gang are riotous. Melanie Laurent is mesmerizing. My only complaint is that we don’t get to see more of the Basterds. I’d watch a four or five-hour cut of this, easy. It always takes time to tell, but this could end up being my favorite QT film.

The Road

In a just world, Viggo Mortensen would be a lock for Best Actor at any ceremony where they hand out movie awards this year. And John Hillcoat would have no problem financing any upcoming project of his choosing. Unfortunately we live in this world where Viggo is being ignored as usual, Hillcoat’s much-anticipated (by me at least) next project just fell apart, and hardly anyone is seeing or appreciating this faithful and moving adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s incredible novel. For shame. The highest prize I can give The Road is that it operates just like the beak. Casts a huge, bleak, monotonous background out of which its emotional grip sneaks and takes hold of you. You don’t even realize the extent to which the story is working on you, then suddenly you’re torn apart inside.

Star Trek

Considering I like sci-fi and write sci-fi, a lot of people are surprised to learn that, prior to 2009, the only piece of Star Trek fiction I’ve ever experienced in its entirety was The Wrath of Khan, which is not shabby at all. No real reason, just never got into the series. But I am into JJ Abrams, brother. And I will test any water with his name on it. The man doesn’t disappoint with this reboot of the long-running franchise. The first act of Star Trek is perfect. Science fiction doesn’t get better. The end of the film doesn’t match the brilliance of the beginning and there are some difficult plot holes to work through, but it soars far above the typical summer blockbuster and is really re-watchable. Also, based on the trailers, I thought I was going to hate Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, but he’s fantastic. I am an official fan.

Up in the Air

In Jason Reitman’s debut feature, Thank You for Smoking, Aaron Eckhart played a world-class tobacco lobbyist, a man who thrived at his job that thrived on keeping people addicted to poisonous cigarettes. In Reitman’s latest, Up in the Air, George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a legend in his business, which is to fly around the country firing people. His job thrives on other people losing theirs. In the current economic state, his business is booming. The two films make very interesting companion pieces, studies of men who are achieving their dreams, which have the side effect of detaching them from any sort of binding human connection. Ryan Bingham is unafraid to compellingly argue that this is maybe not such a big deal. Or maybe it is. At the very least, the debate is more complex than most people would like to think. It’s a film well-fit for its time, and one that has stuck deeply in my mind. Great performances across the board. (Though I could’ve used more Zach Galifiankais.) Reitman has knocked it out of the park three times in a row now, and he’s kind enough to consistently take the story in unexpected directions en route to a pleasingly difficult ending.

Watchmen

Trying to adapt any Alan Moore property is a pretty thankless job. If you screw with it at all, fanboys are going to crucify you, and a story like Watchmen is too dense to faithfully adapt for a theatrical release. But that’s what Zach Snyder attempted, and he comes about as close as anybody could to getting it just right. It’s a visual master-stroke that will reward repeat viewings (perhaps even require them for most), revealing its layers of story and philosophy and critique of superhero lore. The “Ultimate Cut”, which re-inserts deleted scenes and splices in the animated comic “Tales from the Black Freighter”, gets even closer to the sprawling meta-work that was Alan Moore’s comic, but will probably just be more confusing for non-fans. And yes, he changed the ending, but it probably works better cinematically then the squid ending could have.

Where the Wild Things Are

So, the story goes that sudio execs were terrified of Spike Jonze and co-writer Dave Eggers’ adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s classic story. Kids cried at test screenings. It was too dark. It was too adult. The more of this I heard, the more I prayed that that was the version I’d get to see. I’m pretty sure it was, and now I totally understand their fears. It is a bizarre film to put in wide release. Like the book before it, there’s very little plot to this story of a boy who becomes king of a gang of wild creatures inside his own mind. Where the book was ten sentences, though, the movie’s 100 minutes long. A very grown-up, 100-minute musing on what it feels like to be nine years old. With awesome giant puppets. What can I say? It made me cry. God bless Spike Jonze. And God bless Warner Brothers’ approach to their tentpoles. They let Christopher Nolan do his brilliant thing with Batman. They’ve steered the Harry Potter films in a respectable direction. And they’ve taken laudable risks on bold directorial visions this year between Jonze and Zach Snyder (Watchmen).

Zombieland

The best surprise of the year. I had very, very mild expectations for Z-Land, but it’s a helluva good time. Jesse Eisenberg plays Jesse Eisenberg, but it works. Woody Harrelson is pitch-perfect. And Emma Stone moved into official crush territory. What really shocked me was that it went beyond a “funny zombie movie”. It was really more a mash-up of zombies and an indie teen romance, and fires on all cylinders. Probably the most fun I had at the movies this year.

Ten More (Honorable mention):

(500) Days of Summer

Anvil! The Story of Anvil

Away We Go

Big Fan

The Damned United

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Funny People

In the Loop

Moon

Up

Movies I didn’t get to see that I suspect could’ve altered the list:

A Single Man

The White Ribbon

Crazy Heart

Worst Piece of Crap Movie of the Year:

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Lank note: I didn't tell him to put this up here, it's just really that bad. Yes, I detested them making a movie out of my favorite childhood cartoon and said as much all summer long, but I honestly didn't tell GB to do me any favors with this one. Again, it just sucked a lot.)

~~ GB

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Taking Advice from The Veteran


I read an article once upon a time that listed the stereotypes of people that you meet in the workplace. They weren't really that accurate, nor were they very funny (probably because people not named Karl Malone are too P.C. to keep it real these days), but there was one in particular that it hit on.

The Veteran.

Basically, The Veteran is that person who's worked at your place of employment for years and years. They can recall the time the company moved buildings, the time they merged with another company, the crazy people that used to work in the department a decade ago; you know, all of that quality stuff. I'm happy to report that not only does my department have a veteran, but our version of The Veteran is the man.

For the four people who read my training class piece, The Veteran is the one who makes the Len Bias quote at the end. Oh yeah, he's that legit.

There are certain topics that will get The Veteran fired up (in a good way), such as the North Carolina Tar Heels, Top Gun, beer, the enormity of America's debt (the man has a solution to our nation's economic problems, maybe I should tell Barry), and anything from the 1980s. And I do mean anything. 'Moo and I spend our days trying to come up with ways to fire up The Veteran without making it too obvious. After all, The Veteran is The Veteran for a reason, and he's not gonna stand for some young punks getting raspy with him. Plus, as animated as he gets when he's fired up in a good way, I'd hate to see what'd happen if he got fired up in a bad way. In a word: death. Unbeknownst to me, but not surprising in the least, The Veteran also has another topic that will take him from a 2 to a 9.4 on the "jacked" scale with the mention of a single word.

Vegas.

One of my roommates is getting hitched in June, so in March, we're all rolling deep to Vegas in order to make some bad decisions, both financially and socially. When I approached The Veteran to get his input on America's Playground, he gave me a Vegas crash course in about 30 minutes with more information than you'd normally get in a weekend there. Hotels, casinos, restaurants, games to play; I mean, the dude was on a roll. The best part was that every recommendation seemed to come with a story to back it up.

My favorite was his story about playing craps (the ultimate team game in Vegas) at a table with about 10 Japanese businessmen. One particular Japanese fellow got the hot hand and was just making it rain on the rest of the table. In order to show their appreciation for his talent, several of the other Japanese businessmen, still dressed in suits from their meeting earlier, picked up the roller over their shoulders and began chanting his name while repeatedly pumping him up and down. Think about that for a minute. That happened. Obviously that's legit, but it's even more legit that The Veteran could recall this story at a moment's notice, tell it in 20 seconds, and have on the floor laughing for the next 5 minutes. All while explaining to me why it's a good idea to play craps in Vegas.

What a hero.

My personal favorite moment of the lecture was when he paid me the ultimate compliment. "Man," The Veteran said, "I'd really like to play craps with you some day, because knowing you, if you got the hot hand, you'd be doing a bunch of crazy shit at the table to celebrate." Honestly, I don't know if that's a back-handed compliment or a straight-up compliment, but I do know that I felt completely honored by his comment. To have a man of his stature tell me that he'd like to be there while I'm setting the dice on fire...I mean, what can I even say to that?

All I can say is that when I head to Las Vegas in a couple months, I'm going to do my best to make The Veteran proud. The lessons he taught me, the experience he passed down to me, and the confidence he instilled in me will be much more valuable than the craps and blackjack books I'm reading in order to prepare, strategically, for the trip. If I just channel my inner Veteran, I know that everything will turn out alright.

It's not everyday that a workplace legend decides to give you knowledge that will benefit you in the future. When veterans pass along such wisdom, it's because they trust you and feel you're ready to learn the tricks of the trade. And by "tricks of the trade," I mean, "stuff that has nothing to do with work, but you need to know it anyway". The Veteran may not be in his prime anymore, but he's selfless enough to ensure that his legacy will still be thriving in today's youth as long as he gives them the proper direction.

So when you see that lanky fellow at a craps table in Vegas the first weekend in March "doing a bunch of crazy shit at the table to celebrate", just know that The Veteran sent him to wreck shop. Don't hate the player; hate the game.

~~ Lank

Karl Keepin' It Real


Every now and then, you just need somebody to keep it real in order to bring some clarity to a situation. Luckily for me, Karl Malone was more than happy to do just that when discussing the Gilbert Arenas fiasco.

Read this.

I mean, really, can you think of a more manly human being to be talking about this? Yeah, me neither. There is so much truth and real talk in that column that I'm almost ashamed to share the same Interwebs as Mr. Malone. If there were an alternate Internet that I could use, I'd certainly do so just to show the proper respect.

I don't know who the genius at SI.com was who decided to ask the Mailman for his opinion on the matter, but that guy should definitely be given a promotion and a raise...and creative control of the website. If we could get more articles like this online as opposed to gossip posing as "news", we'd be in a lot better shape.

And our kids wouldn't be acting like such idiots.

~~ Lank

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Lank's Favorite Movies of 2009

Since everyone and their brother seems to be making up a list of their favorite things of the year (and decade), I figured I’d be arrogant enough to think that you’re wondering what my favorite movies of the year were.

A couple of rules here:

-- These are my favorite movies of the year; not necessarily the most technically perfect. “Avatar” was a landmark achievement in filmmaking, but I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

-- There are a couple movies on my list that were released in 2008, but I actually saw them in 2009. That counts in my book. I can’t call them the best of 2008 if I didn’t see them until the following year

-- I stuck to movies that I saw in theaters. I’d never seen any of the X-Men movies until 2009 (it’s a long story; don’t ask), but watched them all on DVD this summer. That doesn’t count. How is that different than my previous rule? I don’t know, but it just is.

I think that’s it for rules. Let’s get to the meat-and-taters and give the people what they paid to see, shall we?. Without further ado…

10.) Public Enemies – This Michael Mann film, starring Johnny Depp Christian Bale, and Marion Cotillard, was one of the most-anticipated movies of the year for me. During my live-blogs of the NBA Finals, I probably mentioned “Public Enemies” at least 13 times. As I said in my review, there were some things about it I didn’t like. The pace early on was somewhat slow and there really wasn’t a narrative forming until about 1/3 of the way through the film. However, once Mann zeroed in on his topic (the fast-living and capers of John Dillinger), “Public Enemies” went to the next level. The last half-hour or so of this movie is downright superb and left me leaving the movie theater with an overwhelmingly positive feeling about how I’d spent the previous two hours. Full of good action, good lines, and a good story, “Public Enemies” was certainly worth the wait for me.

9.) The Blind Side – Yeah, I went there. When I first heard that they were making a movie about the life and times of Ravens OG Michael Oher, I was skeptical. I’d heard that the book on which the movie is based (written by Michael Lewis) was very good, but that doesn’t always mean a movie is a good idea. The previews came out, the buzz built, and I decided that I really wanted to see it. And I’m certainly glad that I did. Charming without ever being hokey; inspiring without ever being too preachy; and emotional without ever being too sappy; “The Blind Side” really hit on all aspects of the story equally well. Oher’s football career is documented, of course, but the relationship between he and his new family is explored as well. Sandra Bullock does a terrific job as Leigh Anne Tuohy, Michael’s “new mom”, and really gives the film its character. I can’t say that I cried during the movie, but I will admit that I had something in my eye during a scene or two. You should watch “The Blind Side”; you really should.

8.) Watchmen – Initially, I didn’t have much of a desire to see this one. I saw the trailer during my first viewing of “The Dark Knight” and thought it was fantastic. All of the action, with The Smashing Pumpkins song in the background, and a Rorschach voice-over? Superb. That got my interesting going a little bit, but the reviews were mixed upon its release so I didn’t get much of a boost from that. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot, and I’m really glad that I did. Yeah, there were some plot holes and it was a touch too long, but man, what an epic movie. The action scenes were fabulous, it has a great look to it, and the story itself was quite engrossing. You could feel the plight of these superheroes as they saw their friends being picked off one by one. I haven’t read the comic books, so I can’t give you an opinion of its loyalty to the original story; but I can say that I liked the film incarnation of “Watchmen” just fine.

7.) Zombieland – Probably the most fun I had in the movie theaters this year. Talk about a movie that knew exactly what it was and exactly what it wasn’t. Obviously, knowing that Woody Harrelson was killing zombies meant that I was going to see it regardless, but “Zombieland” surprised me with its sense of humor and irreverent charm. Never a dull moment in this movie, and just when you think things might be bogging down, Woody finds another zombie to kill in a badass way. The movie is quite gory and has some choice language, so it’s not for everyone. But if you enjoy tons of fun, a lot of action, and some genuinely good laughs, “Zombieland” is for you. Considering I enjoy all of those things immensely, and Woody Harrelson wrecking shop, I couldn’t have enjoyed this movie any more than I did.

6.) Up in the Air – A late entry into my top ten considering I just saw it a few days ago. No, this isn’t one of those “what I just saw is the best thing that I saw” type deals. What do you think I am, an Academy Award voter (why else do you think studios release their “Oscar-worthy” films at the very end of the year)? I really liked “Up in the Air”. The dialogue is sharp, the story is very interesting (and pertinent in these times), and George Clooney has never been better. If you thought he was cool and charming in the “Ocean’s” movies, wait until you see him as Ryan Bingham in this one. You probably think that I’m biased since I’m in love with her, but Anna Kendrick was lights-out as Natalie Keener, a fresh-out-of-college career woman who is the yin to Bingham’s yang. The two play off each other well and give the movie its spirit. As you watch this movie, you run the gambit of emotions and see the characters in several different lights. As character-driven movies go, this is just about as good as it gets.

5.) Star Trek – For the record, I’m not a Trekkie. Glad we cleared that up. Big Brother he told me that he didn’t want to see this movie because he didn’t like Star Trek in general. Fair enough, but I didn’t like the whole Star Trek thing either before seeing the movie (and still don’t, to be honest). However, when the previews were released, I noticed that it didn’t have the traditional Star Trek feel, and it seemed like more of a recent Star Trek, if that makes sense. Rather than being confined to spaceships and crazy galaxies, the characters were on the ground, in school, and behaving, well, normally. Plus, J.J. Abrams directed it, and I trust that guy. I saw it, and I loved it. The story was well-paced, yet informative. I didn’t feel like I missed any of the nuances of the story because Abrams was in a hurry to blow up something else. Since it’s a “reset” of the franchise, I got an education in Star Trek without having to catch up on older movies. Basically, “Star Trek” hit on all the right notes while avoiding the landmines that come with doing a film for such a famous brand. Apparently, even the old-school Trekkies liked it and thought it did justice to the original story. Who would have wagered on that? Well done, Mr. Abrams; well done, indeed.

4.) Up – In a way, this was my favorite movie on 2009. To try to describe the plot of this tale would risk getting my institutionalized, so I’ll just tell you what I thought about it. Visually, “Up” was mesmeric. The balloon-fueled house soaring over the city and into the jungle was just awe-inspiring. I don’t know how those Pixar dudes do what they do; but I’m really glad that they do (that made sense, I think). There is a scene early on that does not have a single word of dialogue, not one, and still manages to make people with any semblance of sensitivity cry. Strictly through the images and emotion pouring from the screen. Amazing. Plot-wise, “Up” is very well done. All of the twists and turns have a point, and there is never a scene in which you find yourself wondering how it ties into the overarching story. The characters are remarkably developed, and you find yourself rooting for some and rooting against the others simply because of who they are and what they stand for. There are many, many funny moments that draw genuine laughs from anyone watching the movie. If you’re not laughing when Russell’s face is loudly dragging across the window of Muntz’s zeppelin, then I don’t want to know you. All in all, “Up” manages to tell a funny, exciting, heartwarming story without ever being cheesy and without relying on the stunning visuals to carry it. What people fail to realize about Pixar is that when they make a movie, they don’t make something pretty and then shoehorn in a story; they write a fascinating story and then add in the visuals. And it shows with a classic like “Up”.

3.) The Hangover – Come on now, you knew it was coming. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much in a movie theater. Sure, it probably doesn’t have the technical merits of “Up” or the charm of “Up in the Air”, but I had a really, really good time watching “The Hangover”. The story is quite original in its own right. Yeah, the “let’s go to a vacation spot and have something crazy happen” angle isn’t new, but the way in which the story was told is. Rather than showing the debauchery that occurred the night Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil went to Vegas for Doug’s bachelor party and ended up losing Doug, the story begins with the trip to Vegas, but then skips ahead to the morning after. From there, the memory-impaired trio must attempt to retrace their steps from the night before in order to find their lost friend (and groom). Hilarity ensues, their story goes from crazy to crazier, and the laughs keep coming. The dialogue in the movie is great, and the chemistry between the nerd (Stu), the cool friend (Phil), and the eccentric brother-in-law-to-be (Alan) really shines. It’s one of those movies that you think would be a lot of fun to make because everyone in the movie seems to be having a good time. Mike Tyson’s cameo, a tiger in the bathroom, and a white baby named Carlos; what else could you ask for? For me, the answer is nothing.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire – Remember how I mentioned that there would be a movie or two from 2008 that would be on the list? Yeah, here’s the first one. Released late last year, I saw “Slumdog” in February 2009, a few days after my birthday. I’d heard all of the hype and what not, but my homeboy GB told me to see it, and when GB tells me to see a movie, I probably need to see it. Without giving too much away, “Slumdog” is about an Indian young man who gets on the Indian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” in order to attract the attention of his childhood love interest, who he knows is a fan of the show. Despite not having any formal education, the guy is able to answer questions based on previous life experiences. Those experiences comprise the bulk of the movie, as we see his evolution from young boy to young man in these flashbacks. “Slumdog” is very intense and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout. Not in a thriller-genre type way, but in a “man, I can’t wait to see what happens next” type of way. You’re never scared, but you are captivated the entire time you’re watching it. The way the filmmaker, Danny Boyle, intertwines the flashback scenes with the present-day action is pure genius, and gives “Slumdog” a wonderful pace. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so ASAP. It’s one of the rare movies that actually lives up to the hype.

1.) The Wrestler – And here is the other movie from 2008 that makes my list. It happens to be the chart-topper, no less. This isn’t some commentary on the lackluster filmmaking in 2009 or anything silly like that, I just really liked these two movies, especially “The Wrestler”. As a kid, I grew up watching professional wrestling religiously. From about 1990 through 2000, I could name every wrestler in both major promotions (WCW and WWF), the storylines in which he/she was involved, his/her favorite moves, and the other personas that that wrestler had used. I was a wrestling junkie. If you try to tell me that Demolition was better than the Road Warriors, I really might try to fight you. Anyway, being a fan also had its downside. Mainly, when wrestlers die young (as many of them do, sadly), you begin to wonder what it took for those guys to entertain you every night. The toll that it takes on their bodies is massive, and the mental repercussions of performing in such a profession begin to manifest as well. I say all that to say this: “The Wrestler” showed me what the dark side of professional wrestling looks like. It was gripping, emotional, and sometimes dreary. Watching Mickey Rourke portray Randy “The Ram” Robinson was like watching one of my old favorite wrestlers bandy about in society trying to find their way outside the only world they’ve ever known. Once the arena lights and crowd noise are removed from these guys’ lives, they never quite behave the same. They know nothing else. For too long, wrestlers have been dying too soon at an alarming rate and their story was never told. Thanks to director Darren Aronofsky and Rourke’s legendary performance, we got a glimpse into the under belly of pro wrestling. No, it wasn’t pretty, but I can honestly say that I will never forget the way that “The Wrestler” made me feel while I was watching it, and the way that it made me think after I left the theater. Rest in peace to all of my childhood heroes of the squared circle who are no longer with us.

There you have it. My ten favorite movies of 2009. What do you think? Do you agree for the most part? Disagree for the most part? I realize that I left out some movies that a lot you liked, but there were some that I wasn’t so fond of, and others that I just didn’t get around to seeing. Here’s a quick list of movies that I wanted to see, but never did so: Inglourious Basterds, State of Play, Michael Jackson’s This Is It (I should be draw-and-quartered for not seeing this), Brothers, Ninja Assassin, Everybody’s Fine, Invictus, Sherlock Holmes (high on the list for 2010), and Couples Retreat (surprised? Yeah, me too, but Jason Bateman is my boy, and it, along with State of Play, is the only movie of his that I haven’t seen; that’s the only reason it’s on here).

~~ Lank

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Cat Whisperer

I alluded to this little episode in my Christmas recap, but here it is in all its glory.

My buddy, Dirty D, wanted to get his mom a new kitten for Christmas. His family has one, but they’d previously owned another one before it passed away, so he wanted to get the total back to two. Without having a car to drive, he asked me if I would mind taking him to get the new kitten. I had no qualms with it, and was happy to help a brotha out…especially when it comes to buying Mom Dukes a Christmas present. Due to needing to keep the kitten with its mother for a certain timeframe, the earliest we could pick up the kitten was Christmas Eve. No biggie, this would only take an hour or so, right?

Wrong.

We set off to get the kitten from a couple whose cat had just delivered a litter of them (I don’t know if “litter” is the proper term for cats, but I know that it is for dogs, so we’ll just use it anyway, ok? Thanks, I knew you’d understand). Dirty D picks up the kitten, makes some small talk with the couple, and then tells me that he’d appreciate it if we stopped by Wal-Mart or PetSmart to pick up a few things for Little Kitty Thing (who will now be referred to as ‘LKT’ for the remainder of the post). Yeah, not a problem, how long can it take? A half hour at most?

Try again.

Wal-Mart was more crowded than a mall with Justin Bieber playing, so we decided PetSmart would be the better option; especially since LKT could come in with us (for the record, I hate cats. I think they bring nothing to the table as pets and cost entirely too much since you get zero return on your investment. Well, except sass and attitude. And if I wanted sass and attitude, I’d just get a girlfriend, but that’s neither here nor there…). This is literally how the beginning of our trip to PetSmart went:

Dirty D (holding LKT): “Yo, could you grab a cart so we can put the stuff in it?”

Me (not holding LKT): “Yeah, sure.”

I turn around to grab a cart.

I hear some chatter going on behind me.

I grab the cart, whip back around, and BOOM, there she is…The Cat Whisperer.

I’m like 97.2% sure she rappelled from the ceiling or something. Maybe she came up from beneath us. I honestly wouldn’t call you a liar if you told me that she’d vaporized upon seeing us and then regenerated at our location. I mean, it was ninja-esque. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew I’d better block out a solid hour for this trip to PetSmart. Yippee.

The Cat Whisperer: “Hi, my name is (The Cat Whisperer); do you need help with getting some things for your new kitten?”

Me (in my head, though I almost blurted it out): “For the love of God, D; please say no. Please, please, please say no.”

Dirty D: “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Me (again, in my head, but I got even closer to blurting this out): “Awesome? Seriously? You think that’d be awesome? I think I’d rather be tied down while a bunch of kindergartners pull my hair and paint all over my clothes. Awesome?”

The Cat Whisperer then proceeds to tell us that she owns like 3,148 cats, has worked in a cat adoption agency for years, and volunteers at PetSmart’s adoption clinic to help out new owners.

Fantastic. This just keeps getting better and better.

The Cat Whisperer grabs her cart, which has four cats in travel carriers in it. Seriously, I counted them. At first I thought they were empty travel carriers that she was stocking or something. But no, they definitely had cats in them. All of them. While sitting in a shopping cart. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda weird? Yes? Ok, never mind then.

Being an optimist, I try to convince myself that her experience is going to lead to a quick trip through PetSmart since she’ll know exactly where everything is, and exactly what LKT will need to grow up big and strong like ox. The 2% of me that’s a pessimist realized that this could also mean that she’d take her sweet time explaining every nuance of every product to us, “informing” us so that we could make the best decision for our new kitten (and by “we”, I mean “Dirty D”, because I didn’t care what we bought as long as it didn’t kill LKT).

I hate it when my pessimist side is right; I really do.

For the next 45 minutes, we peruse the aisles as The Cat Whisperer gives us the in-and-out of every product. Food, toys, beds, bowls; you name it, we got the lowdown on it. The sad thing is that Dirty D wasn’t looking for anything too fancy, because LKT just needed a temporary home until he was old enough to be introduced to the rest of the house (and the other cat). The other sad thing is that Dirty D could tell by the pained expression on my face that I really wanted to vamoose, but he proceeded to ask more and more questions anyway. I respect the fact that he’s a caring owner and wants to do right by LKT; I really do.

But Lank was ready to roll (yes, I just went third-person on you).

Finally, we get everything that we “needed” and say farewell to The Cat Whisperer. She lectured us on proper feeding techniques before she dismissed us from class, and told us to come back and see her if we had any questions or concerns. At least now I know what I can do if I ever have a good hour or so that I need to waste. Glad that’s cleared up.

We check out, put all of LKT’s goodies in my car and head home. Once we’re there, we smuggled LKT and his treasure trove into Dirty D’s room. His mother was unaware that he was getting her a kitten, so we had to be secretive once we got back to his house. That, and his dad probably would’ve punted LKT 50 yards had he known he existed before Dirty D presented LKT to his mom, so the stakes were high.

All’s well that ends well, right? Dirty D kept LKT hidden, his mom was very, very happy with her gift the next day, and LKT got a real name: Peanut.

So, Peanut, live a full, healthy life; respect your elders; say your prayers; take your vitamins; and behave for Uncle Lank whenever he comes to visit. Lord knows that he and Brother Dirty D had to dodge some bullets to get you where you are, so appreciate our efforts and make our trip worthwhile.

Man, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like I should have titled this post “Saving Private Peanut".

~~ Lank

The Joys (And Woes) of Christmas

Seasons Greetings and all of that good stuff. I hope that everyone had a delightful Christmas and got some good presents from old St. Nick. Because I know you were curious about how my holiday vacation went, I’ll be glad to give you some highlights (and lowlights) of my (almost) week at home with Willie P, Baseball Mom, and Big Brother.

-- Going to a high school reunion and seeing some folks that I hadn’t seen in forever. Despite being a young’n, enough time has passed since my high school glory days that it’s good to catch up with old classmates.

-- At said reunion, I was one of the few white people in attendance as my high school was predominantly black. During one episode that night, my homeboy, EP, was trying to close out his tab and was having issues with the bartender. A middle-aged woman, who was sitting next to where EP was standing and, thus, heard everything that was going on, saw me standing next to EP and said, “excuse me, do you work here?” to which EP, without missing a beat, replied, “nah, he’s just white.” Guilty as charged.

-- Seeing “Up in the Air” with Baseball Mom and Willie P. A very good movie. Go see it. Tell ‘em Lank sent ya. Not that that will do anything at the box office, but I’ve always wanted to say that for some reason. Oh, and the movie also gave me a great line to use to my “elders”. Anna Kendrick’s character is talking to George Clooney and Vera Farmiga’s characters, and she says, “I appreciate what your generation did for me…” which can be used myriad ways. I spent the rest of the weekend telling my parents that I appreciate what their generation did for me while doing various things. My testing is still in the beta phase, but I really think I can put that line to good use. I’ll keep you posted.

-- A highlight and lowlight happened on the same trip. I drove a friend of mine to get a new kitten for his mom as a Christmas gift. We got the cat without a problem and things were going well…until we had an encounter with the Cat Whisperer, which is deserving of its own post. Not fun.

-- Kicking it with my boys G’zy and Lefty until 5 am on Saturday night. I hadn’t seen either of them in too long, so it was nice to be up to our old tricks again. I tried to convince Baseball Mom the next morning (later that morning?) that I actually got in around 1 am, but she wasn’t having it. I still haven’t conceded this point to her. (It was also that night that I was introduced to this, so that's obviously another highlight of the weekend.)

-- The Spurs dropping a game to Portland Wednesday night, at home, was pretty irritating. Portland played the game with 3 players, an assistant coach, and a team manager and still beat us on our own floor. How embarrassing.

-- Since we’re discussing sports teams (and by “we”, I mean “me”), the Blues lost two out of three over my break, the Spurs won two out of three, and the Colts JV lost to the Jets. Not exactly the exhilarating weekend I had in mind sports-wise.

-- I can’t decide if it’s a highlight or a lowlight, but hearing about Urban Meyer’s “resignation” almost put Big Brother on suicide watch. Obviously, I don’t want my brother to off himself, but the thought of the best coach in America no longer residing in Gainesville rubbed me the right way. Now that Meyer has decided to return, Big Brother has stepped off the ledge, and I’m getting closer to it. God forbid the Colts lose early in the playoffs again…

-- A trifecta courtesy of one of my friends: she called me on her way into town Wednesday night and talked with me for a couple hours. Then, I got to see her the next day on my way home from the Cat Whisperer experience, and she was somehow wearing a pretty sweet onesie that looked impossible for anyone older than 11 to fit into. But she pulled it off, bless her heart. Finally, she informed me that her parents are fans of Skip To My Lank; so thanks to them for that. All in all, she pushed all the right buttons.

-- Skip ripping into Los Heels for their performance in the Tire Bowl was quite amusing. It was about 5 minutes of unfiltered Skip; and that’s something that I’m never not a fan of. I don’t know if that last sentence makes sense to anyone else but me, but whatever.

-- Not getting to watch a full run of “A Christmas Story” despite its 24-hour loop on TBS. I know, I know; I’m ashamed of me, too.

-- Without question, the highlight of highlights for Christmas ’09 was the look on my parents’ faces when Big Brother and I strolled into their apartment with a brand new 37” LCD TV. The mix of surprise/gratitude/appreciation/shock/joy in their expressions was great to see; and considering that they’ve been responsible for about 100 of those looks from my brother and me in our lifetimes, it was fun to finally turn the tables on them for a change. Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad; we love you. And we also love that we’ll be able to watch all of our shows in HD when we come home now.

~~ Lank

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Philosophical Question of the Day

"If you took an American animal to Australia, would it shed at the wrong time of the year?"

This is the type of question that keeps us up at night here at Skip To My Lank. We need answers.

~~ Skip and Lank

Life Coach Eddie

On our lunch break the other day, ‘Moo and I decided to hit up the local shopping mall to fetch his lovely bride a Christmas present. Because he’s a grown man, ‘Moo had a plan, so we knew exactly which stores we were going to hit, and would be out of there in plenty of time to get back to work before our breaks were over. Things didn’t quite go as planned due to a couple of stores not having what he wanted, but this turned out to be a blessing in disguise because of one reason:

Eddie.

Eddie works at Lady Foot Locker as a sales associate (calling him simply “a cashier” is an insult to Eddie and all of the people like him who put in a lot of hard hours at the workplace). After trying, in vain, to find the right pair of shoes for ‘Moo’s boo (which might be the coolest title of all time. How would you like to be referred to as ‘’Moo’s boo’ by those closest to you? My thoughts exactly) at other stores, we found a Lady Foot Locker and walked in, heads held high. Grown men shouldn’t be scared to go in Lady Foot Locker when they’re on a business trip – and that’s exactly what it was for us. No games, no fun, no frills; just business.

“Wassup? How y’all doin’?” That was Eddie’s greeting, which made me like him that much more already. ‘Moo responded to Eddie’s inquiry and then told him the particular shoe style for which he was looking. “Oh, we definitely have that; it’s right here, here, here, and here. Those four spots.” I’m tellin’ you, Eddie was on his game. Just the type of performance I’d expect from a highly-respected sales associate at a fine retailer.

After making his selection (with a little help from me; I said “Dang, ‘Moo, those purple ones are legit.” Not that he asked for my input or anything, but I couldn’t help it. The purple shoes were, well, legit), ‘Moo headed towards the register. Sensing us coming, Eddie, without looking up, said, “yo, if you wanna buy that matching jogging suit, I’ll throw that in for fit-ty (50 dollars, for those of you who aren’t fluent in slang or my fruitless attempts at conveying slang via a keyboard).” The jogging suit was hideous, so ‘Moo wisely passed on Eddie’s offer. But the skill and personality with which Eddie delivered his pitch definitely had me considering the deal.

Luckily, ‘Moo was the one buying the gift for ‘Moo’s boo and not me. And the recession continues.

I’m sure you’re wondering, at this point, where the “life coach” role comes into play. Well, I’m glad you’re wondering, because we’ve now come to that point in the story. As we’re checking out, ‘Moo mentions that he might get his boo one more thing for Christmas, but doesn’t want to spend too much because last year she got mad at him for spending too much on her (I respect the fact that ‘Moo took that bullet, though. Can you imagine the vitriol that would’ve spewed from her had he spent too little on her? Yeesh. He definitely erred on the right side). After hearing this, Eddie, seemingly befuddled said, “your wife doesn’t want you to spend too much on her?” ‘Moo confirmed his statement, and Eddie started life-coaching.

“I feel you, dude. My girl ain’t never got mad at me for spending too much on her, but she likes to get on me for other stuff. And I’m 65% Irish (no, really, he said 65%. As in, 13/20 of his lineage is Irish. I don’t really know how he configured that but, again, it’s Eddie, so he’s obviously a reliable source) so I’m a hothead. Whenever she starts coming at me with some talk like that, I just say, ‘girl, you ain’t about to talk to me like that. Nah, I’m a man, you can’t talk to me like no kid.’”

See what I mean by “life coach” now? Dude’s just droppin’ knowledge like it’s heavy.

“And sometimes she tries to make me sleep on the couch, but you know what? I don’t even care. That's what porn's for. That’s what I tell her, too.”

Standing up to your haters; that’s an important life lesson for the children.

“When it comes down to it, the man makes better money, so she knows what it is. I just let her calm down and get her mind right.”

To reiterate, Eddie is a sales associate at Lady Foot Locker. Should I be spelling that “$ales a$$ociate” from now on? Just wondering.

Mind you, this all took place as ‘Moo is checking out. There was really no provocation; Eddie just decided that we needed to be taught some lessons. And I appreciate him for it.

After ‘Moo revealed to Eddie that he was hoping for a PlayStation 3 from his boo (great call, by the way; I’m in love with mine…my PS3, not my boo), Eddie said, “yeah, for real. I told my dad to get me one. Y’all know you can go on eBay and get one for like $50, right?” “Really?” Moo asked. “Yeah, man. ‘Cause it’s like charities and stuff that go on there and try to sell them to make money, so they just take whatever for it. You know, you just gotta bid low and you can get one.”

See? I had no idea that I could lowball a charity in order to get a cheap PlayStation 3. Where was Eddie over a year ago when I purchased mine? Goodness.

The highlight of the whole episode came towards the end of the transaction when Eddie told ‘Moo that if he’d just spend 15 more dollars, he’d get a $25 instant rebate. ‘Moo had no idea how to spend $15 more, so Eddie suggested socks. ‘Moo told him he didn’t want to spend 15 bones on socks, so Eddie simply said, “you know what? Don’t even worry about it; I’ll just take fifteen off anyway. I don't want your girl gettin' mad at you or nothin' like that.” Somehow, a $25-rebate-after-spending-$15-more became just a straight-up-$15-rebate, but whatever. When you’re a man of Eddie’s stature and esteem, you can move mountains like that.

It’s no coincidence that ‘Eddie’ and ‘selfless’ both have two e’s.

‘Moo finished up his transaction and we headed out the store after bidding adieu to our new friend. We concluded that Eddie probably doesn’t get a lot of male customers in Lady Foot Locker, so the sight of one (let alone two) makes him get really excited, causing him to drop a ton of life lessons in the span of five minutes. Honestly, it was one of the top ten performances of anything I’ve ever seen in my life. A tip of the cap, Eddie. Merry Christmas to you and your girl. I hope you get that PS3 after all. Altruism such as yours deserves a reward.

Even if it means lowballing a charity to get it.

~~ Lank

Friday, December 18, 2009

Because I Love You...

I had something else to post here tonight, but I forgot to email the Word document in which I wrote it to myself at home. In order to compensate for my brain fart, and because I love my readers, I'm going to provide you with this YouTube gem. Thank me later.




~~ Lank

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Think I Fell in Love Again

Listen, I’m a simple man. All I want to do these days is drive The Civic, play video games, produce content for Skip To My Lank, watch the Colts/‘Noles/Blues/Spurs play, laugh at jokes that I should be too mature to laugh at but I’m not, watch movies on Blu-ray (I recently bought “The Hangover”), play hide-and-seek with my one-year-old neighbor, text as many people as possible in the course of a day, have important-only-to-us arguments with Skip (i.e. is Fat Joe a hip-hop hall-of-famer?), and pity my roommates, both of whom are in long-term relationships.

But then I had to go and fall in love. Again. Crap.

I don’t have the time or money to be in a relationship. Look at all of those super-important activities I listed above. How am I supposed to do all of that with a new boo? I’m getting ready to lose my job, how am I supposed to afford date nights and birthday presents? I know what you’re asking yourself: “ok, Lank; why are you contemplating being in a relationship then?”

Good question. And here’s my answer: Anna Kendrick.

My, oh my, oh my, what a beauty. As I saw the trailer for “Up in the Air” (which looks tremendous, by the way), I became enamored with George Clooney’s young co-star. I couldn’t quite recall her name when I saw her, but I knew I’d seen her before and that I wholeheartedly approved of her appearance. After doing a little research, I saw that Anna Kendrick was her name; and that I’d seen her in “Twilight” and “New Moon” (don’t judge). Needless to say, I’ve been smitten ever since and, despite my best efforts to remain single, would marry her tomorrow if she asked me to.

I hope Baseball Mom approves.

~~ Lank

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Lank and The Civic


Man, it's hard out here for a pimp.

A few weeks ago, I was just trying to drive to my adult league soccer game with no incidents, and some girl had to cross three lanes of traffic without looking and crash right into me. Don't worry, this isn't a post about how women can't drive; that's for another day and another time. No, this one is about the hassle that I've gone through just to get my whip fixed.

First, ol' girl thinks she might want to pay out of pocket, so she has me get a couple of estimates on my car (a Dodge Stratus R/T, which I call "Secretariat"). After realizing how much it's going to be, she goes ahead and files a claim with her insurance company, who then gets in touch with me about the ordeal.

Dealing with the insurance agent was an absolute nightmare. Over the course of the past three or four weeks, I'd guess that I tried calling her 10 times for various information exchanges and the like. Not a single time did I get her. Every single time, I had to leave a message and wait for her to call me back. The funny thing is that her voicemail says that my call is very important to her, and that she will call me back within three hours of getting my message. Apparently, baby girl runs on a different time system than I do, because I've waited a day or two for her to call me back at times. And at the beginning of each voicemail, she mentions the day's date, so it's not like she was on vacation or anything.

Despite all of that, I was able to drop off my car yesterday at the repair shop and have a rental set up for me. Over the phone, the rental agent told me that I was set up for a "compact car", most likely a "Chevy Cobalt or a Ford Focus". I told her that I was 6'4", so that may not be the best option for me. She said that I could probably get upgraded to an "intermediate-sized" car if I just got back in touch with the insurance agent and had her change the request.

I couldn't have declined her proposition any faster. "Uhh, nevermind. The compact car sounds great," I said.

When the rental agent showed up, I thought somebody was playing a joke on me. Why? Because dude rolled up in a Toyota Prius. Seriously, that happened. Those of you who know how I get down know that Lank and hybrids aren't exactly bacon and eggs. I have no desire to plug my car into my bedroom power outlet anytime soon, so I'm not wild about hybrids. Don't get me wrong, I loved driving my Power Wheels jeep; but then I turned 8, so gas became my fuel of choice for my vehicles. I know, I know; I'm the reason that the planet has a fever and we're all going to hell in 2012. I've accepted it. But I voted for Obama, so the hippies still love me.

While riding in the Prius back to the rental place, Mr. Agent Man relieved me when he said, "you won't be driving this car, but we have something ready for you back at the building." Wonderful.

After filling out the requisite paper work and swearing that I wasn't going to rob a bank out of state (but I made no such promises about robbing a bank in state), Mr. Agent Man informed me that I'd be driving a Honda Civic. The Prius Scare of 2009 made this seem like good news, but once I settled down and went out to the car, I was skeptical.

First, The Civic (capitalized because I literally call it "The Civic" whenever I refer to it) is pretty small. Yes, it's a four-door, but there just isn't a whole lot of room in there. Second, it's burgundy. If I'd gotten a black, red, or silver one, I could've made it work. But when you have a small, efficient, four-door compact car that's burgundy, people automatically think you're a soccer mom. Fact. I'm sure every single person that has driven up behind me assumes that I'm a soccer mom until they swerve around me and realize that I'm not. If I weren't such a confident individual, I'd be concerned about this (you know, I'd write a post on my blog about it or something).

Once I started driving it, I realized two things: it has a terrible sound system, and it has no horsepower. When I'm choosing a ride, these are probably items #1 and #2 on my list. I'd almost rather have a legit sound system than four wheels. It's true. I had to switch from one of my new rap CDs ("'Til the Casket Drops" by Clipse) to an R&B CD just to minimize the glaring differences between the sound system in Secretariat and the sound system in The Civic. The horsepower issue reveals itself...oh, I don't know...every single time I hit the pedal. To make things worse, the display has a digital speedometer, so I can actually see how slowly the thing accelerates.

All is not lost however; I've found something redeemable about The Civic: it makes for a good story. When people hear about my lanky behind driving a burgundy Civic, they start laughing before I even get to the subpar sound system and snail-like acceleration. Honestly, The Civic is like a folk hero in my social circle and everyone wants a ride. 'Moo needed to get some grub during his lunch break at work today, so I offered to Hoke Colburn him in The Civic. Needless to say, he jumped at the opportunity and we proceeded to test the performance of the automobile while running various errands. The Civic held up pretty well to our thorough examination, garnering it even more praise and getting it closer to legendary status.

I have no idea how this story will end. I have The Civic for a few more days, so hopefully greatness will ensue before I get Secretariat back. I might even ask a girl out on a date, specifically to drive her around in such a fine automobile. Will I get a second date? Absolutely not, but you're lying if you think that she won't have a good time on a date with a man driving The Civic.

The Civic plays.

~~ Lank

The 30 Worst Sports Logos of All Time: #1

As my boy 'Moo and I were sitting through our training class, he turned me on to a website called LogoShak that has a remarkably extensive collection of logos from sports teams and events. Since I needed something new for the blog (and because November has 30 days), I decided to list the 30 worst sports logos of all time. I designated 'Moo as creative director of the project since he a.) found the site before I did, b.) has a good eye for a bad logo, and c.) agreed to go through half of the logos on the site so that I didn't have to spend even more time than I already do with unproductive exercises. I will be listing one per day for the next 30 days. There was no strict criteria; it just had to look ugly. Sometimes the logos were too busy, some of them had terrible color schemes, and some were just way too plain. Regardless, we tried to put together list of the all-time worst for your enjoyment (or displeasure, whichever). Let's keep this train rolling...

#1 - Savannah State Tigers



And there it is!!! The worst logo in the history of sports. Savannah State University, take a bow! Honestly, it wasn't that close. Once 'Moo and I realized that this was a real logo and not a fake version created by a computer vandal from a rival school, we knew it was #1. Honestly, why do you have a logo that looks as if it were graffiti'd by someone who trespassed onto campus in the middle of the night? Smarter people than me run this university, and they have to know that that's not a good thing. Right? I mean, am I just being silly here? If I am, feel free to let me know. Whenever a new logo is designed, I'm sure fans from that team say, "well, I guess it's ok; at least it doesn't look vandalized like the logo for Savannah State." Wait, what? They don't say this? Well, they should. And that, my friends, is why the Savannah State Tigers officially have the worst logo in the history of sports. Man, that's terrible.

~~ Lank

The 30 Worst Sports Logos of All Time: #2

As my boy 'Moo and I were sitting through our training class, he turned me on to a website called LogoShak that has a remarkably extensive collection of logos from sports teams and events. Since I needed something new for the blog (and because November has 30 days), I decided to list the 30 worst sports logos of all time. I designated 'Moo as creative director of the project since he a.) found the site before I did, b.) has a good eye for a bad logo, and c.) agreed to go through half of the logos on the site so that I didn't have to spend even more time than I already do with unproductive exercises. I will be listing one per day for the next 30 days. There was no strict criteria; it just had to look ugly. Sometimes the logos were too busy, some of them had terrible color schemes, and some were just way too plain. Regardless, we tried to put together list of the all-time worst for your enjoyment (or displeasure, whichever). Let's keep this train rolling...

#2 - Pittsburgh Xplosion



Prior to actually sitting down and spending a whole 34 seconds on this list, 'Moo and I were convinced that this logo would "win" the top spot on the countdown. Unfortunately for all 17 Pittsburgh Xplosion fans, it came up just short. Take a look at this logo for a minute. Is there anything redeemable about it? Anything? Bueller? Bueller? First of all, it's got a red background. Then, there is a silhouette of the beautiful Pittsburgh skyline, one of the most non-descript skylines in America. To top it all off, there are a few random fireworks "xplosions" overhead, which I guess is supposed to represent the team nickname. Quite honestly, if someone had told me that a second-grade student had designed this logo in 1974 on a first-generation Apple computer, I probably would have believed it. And I don't consider myself to be a very gullible person. Not the most ringing of endorsements for the Xplosion's marketing team, but hey, they played in the CBA, so it's not like anybody noticed anyway. See? I'm an optimist. I can find the positives in anything; even godawful logos. Fun fact about this logo: 'Moo had it as the background on his computer for about two weeks. That got some interesting looks and comments for our logo-savvy department mates.

~~ Lank

Sale Defends Billy Corgan

Apparently, my earlier post about Jessica Simpson inexplicably dating Billy Corgan didn't go over too well with one of Skip To My Lank's faithful readers.

Sale, a good friend of Skip and myself, had a few choice words waiting for me in my inbox when I got to work. Here's what he had to say:

"In response to a post earlier about Jessica Simpson’s dating habits, I must say I am a little displeased. Not because I give a care about what she is doing with her life, but by how little respect was paid to Billy Corgan. Based on the glowing reviews given to her and the author’s stated desire to have her as his own romantic interest, Billy should be praised for pulling down someone so much his junior and so attractive. If you knew a 40-something that hauled in a nice looking 20-something, high fives and man-on-man ass slaps would be in order. And that’s even though you don’t know someone like Billy, which is the crux of my displeasure. Here is a man who shaped me and countless other young people in the 90s with the outstanding music produced by the Smashing Pumpkins. I celebrate roughly their entire catalog and still give it heavy rotation to this day. Bullet with Butterfly Wings is one of the top 5 songs from the heyday of the alternative rock period (don’t get me started on rock music these days). Tonight Tonight, 1979, Geek USA, Cherub Rock, Today…the list goes on. Go ahead and try to say you don’t like the Pumpkins; you’re just fooling yourself. To belittle Jessica Simpson for finding such a catch is wrong and irresponsible. Instead, congratulations Jessica on landing such a hero."

Well, ok then. I still think that Jessica is simply desperate and underachieving and Billy Corgan just happened to be the beneficiary. I'm not convinced that he had to run any game to get her on his arm. Hopefully, Sale and I can just agree to disagree and he'll grant me immunity from one of his patented pummelings.

~~ Lank

Monday, December 14, 2009

The 30 Worst Sports Logos of All Time: #3

As my boy 'Moo and I were sitting through our training class, he turned me on to a website called LogoShak that has a remarkably extensive collection of logos from sports teams and events. Since I needed something new for the blog (and because November has 30 days), I decided to list the 30 worst sports logos of all time. I designated 'Moo as creative director of the project since he a.) found the site before I did, b.) has a good eye for a bad logo, and c.) agreed to go through half of the logos on the site so that I didn't have to spend even more time than I already do with unproductive exercises. I will be listing one per day for the next 30 days. There was no strict criteria; it just had to look ugly. Sometimes the logos were too busy, some of them had terrible color schemes, and some were just way too plain. Regardless, we tried to put together list of the all-time worst for your enjoyment (or displeasure, whichever). Let's keep this train rolling...

#3 - Indianapolis Ice



Sorry to keep inundating you with minor league hockey logos, but I'm true to my vision; so instead of trying to balance the bad logos between sports, I just pick the worst ones and let the demographics fall where they may. You know, I'm like the opposite of a "Real World" cast. Everybody knows I love Indianapolis. It's literally my favorite city in the world. I'm pretty sure I've even been to an Ice game or two. But there's no defending this logo. I could probably spend another 15 sentences telling you everything that I DON'T like about it, but because I love you and respect your limited free time, I'm going to tell you the one thing that I actually LIKE about it (surprising, I know): the image of the Hoosier Dome in the background. Yep, that's it. Indy doesn't exactly have the world's best skyline, so why they chose to include it in the logo I'm not entirely sure; but at least they decided to stay true to form and show off that beauty of a dome. I'm old school, so I still call it the Hoosier Dome, but no matter what you called it, I think we can all agree that it is truly missed. R.I.P. Hoosier Dome; stay classy. Oh, and for the record, in all the time I've spent in Naptown, I've never, ever seen a cocaine-addicted, hockey stick-wielding polar bear roaming around. Just wanted to clear that up. Tell the Indianapolis Chamber of Commerce to send me a check later.

~~ Lank

The 30 Worst Sports Logos of All Time: #4

As my boy 'Moo and I were sitting through our training class, he turned me on to a website called LogoShak that has a remarkably extensive collection of logos from sports teams and events. Since I needed something new for the blog (and because November has 30 days), I decided to list the 30 worst sports logos of all time. I designated 'Moo as creative director of the project since he a.) found the site before I did, b.) has a good eye for a bad logo, and c.) agreed to go through half of the logos on the site so that I didn't have to spend even more time than I already do with unproductive exercises. I will be listing one per day for the next 30 days. There was no strict criteria; it just had to look ugly. Sometimes the logos were too busy, some of them had terrible color schemes, and some were just way too plain. Regardless, we tried to put together list of the all-time worst for your enjoyment (or displeasure, whichever). Let's keep this train rolling...

#4 - Mississauga IceDogs


I like (and by 'like', I really mean 'hate' since this is a countdown of bad logos) a number of things about this logo. First of all, it's from a minor league hockey team, which usually means a lot of fun. Secondly, it's from Canada, and who doesn't like America's hat? The fact that they're so proud of their location that they decided to throw a maple leaf on the logo gets a lot of points here at Skip To My Lank. Can you imagine if more American teams did this? That'd be legit. Anyway, let's get to my favorite part of the logo: Optimus Prime's dog. This is the second time we've featured a team called the IceDogs (although the first one spaced out the nickname into two words), so maybe teams should stray from using it again (get it? Stray? Dog?). There just doesn't seem to be a way to make an "ice dog" (whatever that is) cool. This one in particular looks like the Bionic Man's canine equivalent. Which might make a decent Syfy show, but not necessarily a great sports logo. It doesn't even really look like a dog; it looks like a mask Maximus would wear as he's chopping up Romans. Except that Maximus would make it look a lot more badass. The huge M in the background is a nice touch, save for the fact that you don't really see the middle segments of the M connect. For all we know, it's just a couple of random beams jutting into the Bionic Dog's head. Would that really surprise you with this logo? Yeah, me neither.

~~ Lank