GB's Big Ten Movies of 2009

My boy, GB, first came to fame on Skip To My Lank by delivering one of my favorite quotes of 2009. Now, partly because I asked him to, partly because he was doing it anyway, and partly because he was inspired by my list, GB is here to deliver his Big Ten movies of 2009. It's called his "Big Ten" because there are eleven movies. If you don't get the humor in that, then I really think we need to start seeing other people. Basically, GB is an aspiring filmmaker, and has forgotten more about movies than I'll ever know. I value his opinion and would prefer that if you were forced to choose between my list and his, you'd read his. It's that serious. The fact that he and I shared some of the same favorite makes me feel better about my choices. Without further ado...

Best Film of the Year: A Serious Man

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you consider just how prolific and consistently great Joel and Ethan Coen are, it’s hard to stack anyone up against them as far as the discussion of greatest working filmmakers goes. Still, they couldn’t get a wide release for their latest masterpiece. I guess it’s because you won’t recognize anyone in it beyond wondering “Oh, it’s the guy from, uh, uh…” It’s a loose re-telling of Job, filtered through that Midwestern lens that’s so specific to the Coens. It’s the kind of personal, risky film that only first-time filmmakers and established Cinema royalty dare lay at an audience’s feet. Like the universe it examines, it raises questions that demand to be answered but cannot be. Absurd. Long live the Brothers Coen.

The Next Best Ten (in alphabetical order):

Adventureland

Greg Mottola’s follow-up to Superbad is not as laugh-out-loud funny as that film, but it’s not trying to be. It’s the kind of movie you chuckle along with all the way through because its little touches all ring so true. I did not work at an amusement park in the 80’s, but I was nostalgic for that experience anyway. Oh, and Hollywood? More work for Martin Starr, please.

District 9

The year’s most enjoyable special effects were featured in a movie that cost $200-million less than Transformers 2. Besides displaying awesomely fun splatter tactics, District 9 was that rare, thoughtful piece of original sci-fi that connected at the box office. Taking cues from “Alien Nation” and The Fly, writer/director Neil Blomkamp (with no small amount of aid from producer Peter Jackson, surely) crafted an apartheid parable that was structurally daring, emotionally resonant, and downright fun. In addition, he got one of the year’s best leading performances out of a guy who’d never really acted before. The character of Wikus Van De Merwe was already written quite well, but Sharlto Copley gets you to connect with him from the beginning when he’s pretty much a nervous, racist wuss to the end when he’s…well, I’d hate to ruin it for anybody.

The Hurt Locker

For the vast majority of its runtime, The Hurt Locker is as good as films get. Kathryn Bigelow’s direction is just plain doggone taut. My heart pounded like a heavy metal kick drum during the disarming scenes. Every point that needs to be made is made by simply showing these guys do their job. Jeremy Renner’s badass performance doesn’t hurt, either. Unfortunately, Mark Boal’s script gets bogged down by just a few scenes in which people openly discuss these points as if he’d hate for the audience to think about what they’re experiencing and tool it out. Even more unfortunate is the fact that most audiences probably appreciated that. It’s still a great film, but those scenes annoyed me.

Inglourious Basterds

Hard to deny Basterds the #1 spot. Tarantino has crafted a beautifully messy love song for Cinema, going so far as to suggest that it can win wars. It’s just enjoyable as hell. Cristoph Waltz is flat-out brilliant. Brad Pitt and his gang are riotous. Melanie Laurent is mesmerizing. My only complaint is that we don’t get to see more of the Basterds. I’d watch a four or five-hour cut of this, easy. It always takes time to tell, but this could end up being my favorite QT film.

The Road

In a just world, Viggo Mortensen would be a lock for Best Actor at any ceremony where they hand out movie awards this year. And John Hillcoat would have no problem financing any upcoming project of his choosing. Unfortunately we live in this world where Viggo is being ignored as usual, Hillcoat’s much-anticipated (by me at least) next project just fell apart, and hardly anyone is seeing or appreciating this faithful and moving adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s incredible novel. For shame. The highest prize I can give The Road is that it operates just like the beak. Casts a huge, bleak, monotonous background out of which its emotional grip sneaks and takes hold of you. You don’t even realize the extent to which the story is working on you, then suddenly you’re torn apart inside.

Star Trek

Considering I like sci-fi and write sci-fi, a lot of people are surprised to learn that, prior to 2009, the only piece of Star Trek fiction I’ve ever experienced in its entirety was The Wrath of Khan, which is not shabby at all. No real reason, just never got into the series. But I am into JJ Abrams, brother. And I will test any water with his name on it. The man doesn’t disappoint with this reboot of the long-running franchise. The first act of Star Trek is perfect. Science fiction doesn’t get better. The end of the film doesn’t match the brilliance of the beginning and there are some difficult plot holes to work through, but it soars far above the typical summer blockbuster and is really re-watchable. Also, based on the trailers, I thought I was going to hate Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, but he’s fantastic. I am an official fan.

Up in the Air

In Jason Reitman’s debut feature, Thank You for Smoking, Aaron Eckhart played a world-class tobacco lobbyist, a man who thrived at his job that thrived on keeping people addicted to poisonous cigarettes. In Reitman’s latest, Up in the Air, George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a legend in his business, which is to fly around the country firing people. His job thrives on other people losing theirs. In the current economic state, his business is booming. The two films make very interesting companion pieces, studies of men who are achieving their dreams, which have the side effect of detaching them from any sort of binding human connection. Ryan Bingham is unafraid to compellingly argue that this is maybe not such a big deal. Or maybe it is. At the very least, the debate is more complex than most people would like to think. It’s a film well-fit for its time, and one that has stuck deeply in my mind. Great performances across the board. (Though I could’ve used more Zach Galifiankais.) Reitman has knocked it out of the park three times in a row now, and he’s kind enough to consistently take the story in unexpected directions en route to a pleasingly difficult ending.

Watchmen

Trying to adapt any Alan Moore property is a pretty thankless job. If you screw with it at all, fanboys are going to crucify you, and a story like Watchmen is too dense to faithfully adapt for a theatrical release. But that’s what Zach Snyder attempted, and he comes about as close as anybody could to getting it just right. It’s a visual master-stroke that will reward repeat viewings (perhaps even require them for most), revealing its layers of story and philosophy and critique of superhero lore. The “Ultimate Cut”, which re-inserts deleted scenes and splices in the animated comic “Tales from the Black Freighter”, gets even closer to the sprawling meta-work that was Alan Moore’s comic, but will probably just be more confusing for non-fans. And yes, he changed the ending, but it probably works better cinematically then the squid ending could have.

Where the Wild Things Are

So, the story goes that sudio execs were terrified of Spike Jonze and co-writer Dave Eggers’ adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s classic story. Kids cried at test screenings. It was too dark. It was too adult. The more of this I heard, the more I prayed that that was the version I’d get to see. I’m pretty sure it was, and now I totally understand their fears. It is a bizarre film to put in wide release. Like the book before it, there’s very little plot to this story of a boy who becomes king of a gang of wild creatures inside his own mind. Where the book was ten sentences, though, the movie’s 100 minutes long. A very grown-up, 100-minute musing on what it feels like to be nine years old. With awesome giant puppets. What can I say? It made me cry. God bless Spike Jonze. And God bless Warner Brothers’ approach to their tentpoles. They let Christopher Nolan do his brilliant thing with Batman. They’ve steered the Harry Potter films in a respectable direction. And they’ve taken laudable risks on bold directorial visions this year between Jonze and Zach Snyder (Watchmen).

Zombieland

The best surprise of the year. I had very, very mild expectations for Z-Land, but it’s a helluva good time. Jesse Eisenberg plays Jesse Eisenberg, but it works. Woody Harrelson is pitch-perfect. And Emma Stone moved into official crush territory. What really shocked me was that it went beyond a “funny zombie movie”. It was really more a mash-up of zombies and an indie teen romance, and fires on all cylinders. Probably the most fun I had at the movies this year.

Ten More (Honorable mention):

(500) Days of Summer

Anvil! The Story of Anvil

Away We Go

Big Fan

The Damned United

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Funny People

In the Loop

Moon

Up

Movies I didn’t get to see that I suspect could’ve altered the list:

A Single Man

The White Ribbon

Crazy Heart

Worst Piece of Crap Movie of the Year:

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Lank note: I didn't tell him to put this up here, it's just really that bad. Yes, I detested them making a movie out of my favorite childhood cartoon and said as much all summer long, but I honestly didn't tell GB to do me any favors with this one. Again, it just sucked a lot.)

~~ GB

Lank's Favorite Movies of 2009

Since everyone and their brother seems to be making up a list of their favorite things of the year (and decade), I figured I’d be arrogant enough to think that you’re wondering what my favorite movies of the year were.

A couple of rules here:

-- These are my favorite movies of the year; not necessarily the most technically perfect. “Avatar” was a landmark achievement in filmmaking, but I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

-- There are a couple movies on my list that were released in 2008, but I actually saw them in 2009. That counts in my book. I can’t call them the best of 2008 if I didn’t see them until the following year

-- I stuck to movies that I saw in theaters. I’d never seen any of the X-Men movies until 2009 (it’s a long story; don’t ask), but watched them all on DVD this summer. That doesn’t count. How is that different than my previous rule? I don’t know, but it just is.

I think that’s it for rules. Let’s get to the meat-and-taters and give the people what they paid to see, shall we?. Without further ado…

10.) Public Enemies – This Michael Mann film, starring Johnny Depp Christian Bale, and Marion Cotillard, was one of the most-anticipated movies of the year for me. During my live-blogs of the NBA Finals, I probably mentioned “Public Enemies” at least 13 times. As I said in my review, there were some things about it I didn’t like. The pace early on was somewhat slow and there really wasn’t a narrative forming until about 1/3 of the way through the film. However, once Mann zeroed in on his topic (the fast-living and capers of John Dillinger), “Public Enemies” went to the next level. The last half-hour or so of this movie is downright superb and left me leaving the movie theater with an overwhelmingly positive feeling about how I’d spent the previous two hours. Full of good action, good lines, and a good story, “Public Enemies” was certainly worth the wait for me.

9.) The Blind Side – Yeah, I went there. When I first heard that they were making a movie about the life and times of Ravens OG Michael Oher, I was skeptical. I’d heard that the book on which the movie is based (written by Michael Lewis) was very good, but that doesn’t always mean a movie is a good idea. The previews came out, the buzz built, and I decided that I really wanted to see it. And I’m certainly glad that I did. Charming without ever being hokey; inspiring without ever being too preachy; and emotional without ever being too sappy; “The Blind Side” really hit on all aspects of the story equally well. Oher’s football career is documented, of course, but the relationship between he and his new family is explored as well. Sandra Bullock does a terrific job as Leigh Anne Tuohy, Michael’s “new mom”, and really gives the film its character. I can’t say that I cried during the movie, but I will admit that I had something in my eye during a scene or two. You should watch “The Blind Side”; you really should.

8.) Watchmen – Initially, I didn’t have much of a desire to see this one. I saw the trailer during my first viewing of “The Dark Knight” and thought it was fantastic. All of the action, with The Smashing Pumpkins song in the background, and a Rorschach voice-over? Superb. That got my interesting going a little bit, but the reviews were mixed upon its release so I didn’t get much of a boost from that. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot, and I’m really glad that I did. Yeah, there were some plot holes and it was a touch too long, but man, what an epic movie. The action scenes were fabulous, it has a great look to it, and the story itself was quite engrossing. You could feel the plight of these superheroes as they saw their friends being picked off one by one. I haven’t read the comic books, so I can’t give you an opinion of its loyalty to the original story; but I can say that I liked the film incarnation of “Watchmen” just fine.

7.) Zombieland – Probably the most fun I had in the movie theaters this year. Talk about a movie that knew exactly what it was and exactly what it wasn’t. Obviously, knowing that Woody Harrelson was killing zombies meant that I was going to see it regardless, but “Zombieland” surprised me with its sense of humor and irreverent charm. Never a dull moment in this movie, and just when you think things might be bogging down, Woody finds another zombie to kill in a badass way. The movie is quite gory and has some choice language, so it’s not for everyone. But if you enjoy tons of fun, a lot of action, and some genuinely good laughs, “Zombieland” is for you. Considering I enjoy all of those things immensely, and Woody Harrelson wrecking shop, I couldn’t have enjoyed this movie any more than I did.

6.) Up in the Air – A late entry into my top ten considering I just saw it a few days ago. No, this isn’t one of those “what I just saw is the best thing that I saw” type deals. What do you think I am, an Academy Award voter (why else do you think studios release their “Oscar-worthy” films at the very end of the year)? I really liked “Up in the Air”. The dialogue is sharp, the story is very interesting (and pertinent in these times), and George Clooney has never been better. If you thought he was cool and charming in the “Ocean’s” movies, wait until you see him as Ryan Bingham in this one. You probably think that I’m biased since I’m in love with her, but Anna Kendrick was lights-out as Natalie Keener, a fresh-out-of-college career woman who is the yin to Bingham’s yang. The two play off each other well and give the movie its spirit. As you watch this movie, you run the gambit of emotions and see the characters in several different lights. As character-driven movies go, this is just about as good as it gets.

5.) Star Trek – For the record, I’m not a Trekkie. Glad we cleared that up. Big Brother he told me that he didn’t want to see this movie because he didn’t like Star Trek in general. Fair enough, but I didn’t like the whole Star Trek thing either before seeing the movie (and still don’t, to be honest). However, when the previews were released, I noticed that it didn’t have the traditional Star Trek feel, and it seemed like more of a recent Star Trek, if that makes sense. Rather than being confined to spaceships and crazy galaxies, the characters were on the ground, in school, and behaving, well, normally. Plus, J.J. Abrams directed it, and I trust that guy. I saw it, and I loved it. The story was well-paced, yet informative. I didn’t feel like I missed any of the nuances of the story because Abrams was in a hurry to blow up something else. Since it’s a “reset” of the franchise, I got an education in Star Trek without having to catch up on older movies. Basically, “Star Trek” hit on all the right notes while avoiding the landmines that come with doing a film for such a famous brand. Apparently, even the old-school Trekkies liked it and thought it did justice to the original story. Who would have wagered on that? Well done, Mr. Abrams; well done, indeed.

4.) Up – In a way, this was my favorite movie on 2009. To try to describe the plot of this tale would risk getting my institutionalized, so I’ll just tell you what I thought about it. Visually, “Up” was mesmeric. The balloon-fueled house soaring over the city and into the jungle was just awe-inspiring. I don’t know how those Pixar dudes do what they do; but I’m really glad that they do (that made sense, I think). There is a scene early on that does not have a single word of dialogue, not one, and still manages to make people with any semblance of sensitivity cry. Strictly through the images and emotion pouring from the screen. Amazing. Plot-wise, “Up” is very well done. All of the twists and turns have a point, and there is never a scene in which you find yourself wondering how it ties into the overarching story. The characters are remarkably developed, and you find yourself rooting for some and rooting against the others simply because of who they are and what they stand for. There are many, many funny moments that draw genuine laughs from anyone watching the movie. If you’re not laughing when Russell’s face is loudly dragging across the window of Muntz’s zeppelin, then I don’t want to know you. All in all, “Up” manages to tell a funny, exciting, heartwarming story without ever being cheesy and without relying on the stunning visuals to carry it. What people fail to realize about Pixar is that when they make a movie, they don’t make something pretty and then shoehorn in a story; they write a fascinating story and then add in the visuals. And it shows with a classic like “Up”.

3.) The Hangover – Come on now, you knew it was coming. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much in a movie theater. Sure, it probably doesn’t have the technical merits of “Up” or the charm of “Up in the Air”, but I had a really, really good time watching “The Hangover”. The story is quite original in its own right. Yeah, the “let’s go to a vacation spot and have something crazy happen” angle isn’t new, but the way in which the story was told is. Rather than showing the debauchery that occurred the night Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil went to Vegas for Doug’s bachelor party and ended up losing Doug, the story begins with the trip to Vegas, but then skips ahead to the morning after. From there, the memory-impaired trio must attempt to retrace their steps from the night before in order to find their lost friend (and groom). Hilarity ensues, their story goes from crazy to crazier, and the laughs keep coming. The dialogue in the movie is great, and the chemistry between the nerd (Stu), the cool friend (Phil), and the eccentric brother-in-law-to-be (Alan) really shines. It’s one of those movies that you think would be a lot of fun to make because everyone in the movie seems to be having a good time. Mike Tyson’s cameo, a tiger in the bathroom, and a white baby named Carlos; what else could you ask for? For me, the answer is nothing.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire – Remember how I mentioned that there would be a movie or two from 2008 that would be on the list? Yeah, here’s the first one. Released late last year, I saw “Slumdog” in February 2009, a few days after my birthday. I’d heard all of the hype and what not, but my homeboy GB told me to see it, and when GB tells me to see a movie, I probably need to see it. Without giving too much away, “Slumdog” is about an Indian young man who gets on the Indian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” in order to attract the attention of his childhood love interest, who he knows is a fan of the show. Despite not having any formal education, the guy is able to answer questions based on previous life experiences. Those experiences comprise the bulk of the movie, as we see his evolution from young boy to young man in these flashbacks. “Slumdog” is very intense and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout. Not in a thriller-genre type way, but in a “man, I can’t wait to see what happens next” type of way. You’re never scared, but you are captivated the entire time you’re watching it. The way the filmmaker, Danny Boyle, intertwines the flashback scenes with the present-day action is pure genius, and gives “Slumdog” a wonderful pace. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so ASAP. It’s one of the rare movies that actually lives up to the hype.

1.) The Wrestler – And here is the other movie from 2008 that makes my list. It happens to be the chart-topper, no less. This isn’t some commentary on the lackluster filmmaking in 2009 or anything silly like that, I just really liked these two movies, especially “The Wrestler”. As a kid, I grew up watching professional wrestling religiously. From about 1990 through 2000, I could name every wrestler in both major promotions (WCW and WWF), the storylines in which he/she was involved, his/her favorite moves, and the other personas that that wrestler had used. I was a wrestling junkie. If you try to tell me that Demolition was better than the Road Warriors, I really might try to fight you. Anyway, being a fan also had its downside. Mainly, when wrestlers die young (as many of them do, sadly), you begin to wonder what it took for those guys to entertain you every night. The toll that it takes on their bodies is massive, and the mental repercussions of performing in such a profession begin to manifest as well. I say all that to say this: “The Wrestler” showed me what the dark side of professional wrestling looks like. It was gripping, emotional, and sometimes dreary. Watching Mickey Rourke portray Randy “The Ram” Robinson was like watching one of my old favorite wrestlers bandy about in society trying to find their way outside the only world they’ve ever known. Once the arena lights and crowd noise are removed from these guys’ lives, they never quite behave the same. They know nothing else. For too long, wrestlers have been dying too soon at an alarming rate and their story was never told. Thanks to director Darren Aronofsky and Rourke’s legendary performance, we got a glimpse into the under belly of pro wrestling. No, it wasn’t pretty, but I can honestly say that I will never forget the way that “The Wrestler” made me feel while I was watching it, and the way that it made me think after I left the theater. Rest in peace to all of my childhood heroes of the squared circle who are no longer with us.

There you have it. My ten favorite movies of 2009. What do you think? Do you agree for the most part? Disagree for the most part? I realize that I left out some movies that a lot you liked, but there were some that I wasn’t so fond of, and others that I just didn’t get around to seeing. Here’s a quick list of movies that I wanted to see, but never did so: Inglourious Basterds, State of Play, Michael Jackson’s This Is It (I should be draw-and-quartered for not seeing this), Brothers, Ninja Assassin, Everybody’s Fine, Invictus, Sherlock Holmes (high on the list for 2010), and Couples Retreat (surprised? Yeah, me too, but Jason Bateman is my boy, and it, along with State of Play, is the only movie of his that I haven’t seen; that’s the only reason it’s on here).

~~ Lank

Jessica Simpson, Get It Together

I used to like Jessica Simpson. I really did. She was gorgeous, she seemed fun to be around, and had a terrific smile. Now? I think she's nuts. After going through a number of boyfriends since her divorce from Nick Lachey, ol' girl just seems to keep getting worse and worse when it comes to relationship decisions. The latest bad decision?

Billy Corgan.

Yeah, that's right, the same Billy Corgan who is a.) 42 years old and b.) the former front man for Smashing Pumpkins. What goes through your head when you're an attractive twenty-something and you decide to hook up with Billy freakin' Corgan? It's obvious that some things just aren't clicking between that girl's ears.

If she wants to make some sketchy decisions when it comes to her love life, I have an idea: date a 24-year-old blogger with a passion for sports and no steady career. It'd confuse people less than dating Billy Corgan, and you wouldn't have to deal with the inevitable bad breakup when he realizes that he's done enjoying himself with someone 15 years his junior. Heck, I even clean the house and do dishes! Wait, did I say "I"? Because I meant "he", as in the anonymous hypothetical guy I'm talking about.

So Jessica, get it together. I know things haven't really gone your way lately and you're feeling a little unwanted by legitimate guys. But that's no reason to sink to these depths. You're better than that...I think.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Somebody Owes Me 20 Bucks

I ain't gloatin', but didn't I say Donny would win that trophy? I'm just saying.

Anyway, last Tuesday, Donny Osmond was crowned the winner of season 9 of "Dancing with the Stars". It was a mild surprise, considering Mya had put up the best scores of the season week in and week out. However, Donny came on like a thoroughbred down the homestretch, so I guess it wasn't all too surprising that he won.

Especially since the majority of the voting demographic is right up his alley.

Real talk, one of the only reasons I'm writing this recap is because one of the members of said demographic, Baseball Mom, has been pestering me about it. It's not that I soured on the show or anything; it's just that I figured by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, everyone had heard the news. And since it was the last show and there were no more predictions for me to make, I figured there wasn't much of a post to be written.

Well, I have a few things to say (shocker):

-- Donny probably had the best partner of the season. Kym Johnson put together routines that benefited his strengths (showmanship, charisma, slow dances) and attempted to shy away from his weaknesses (quick steps, intricate routines). In a situation like the final, where he and Mya were so close, the difference between the partners made all the difference.

-- Allowing Donny to sing "Puppy Love" during Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower's last dance was not fair. Once he showed off those pipes, all of the 45-60-year-old women in America fell in love with Donny again and would have voted for him even if he had fallen three times during the final dance...

(**note: as a reader pointed out, Donny sang "Puppy Love" on the results show after the dance finale, so voting was closed. Thus, it didn't affect the voting at all. My bad.**)

-- ...which he didn't. His final dance, a freestyle, was outstanding. The Broadway-themed routine accented his best assets as a dancer and shied away from his limits. If there was a dance that was perfectly crafted to its entertainer, this was it. Nicely done, Kym.

-- I felt bad for Kelly Osbourne. Yes, she was happy to be there so it's not like she was a huge disappointment; but she finished 3rd in everything that night. Mya and Donny were so far ahead of her that the thought of her winning never crossed anyone's mind. That's another reason I hoped Joanna would make the final instead of Kelly; at least there would have been a bit of doubt amongst the three as opposed to the two-horse race we got.

-- I understand that it's fun to bring back all of the season's contestants and allow them to dance one last time, but it was a bit much. There's a reason we voted them off: we didn't want to see them anymore (for the record, I never voted (no, really, I didn't; I swear), but I say 'we' because I felt like I was a part of the DWTS crowd this season. I watched every episode and made my predictions each week just like everyone else. So there). Having them in the crowd would have been enough; I didn't need to be inundated with their old performances again. Let the finalists have another go-'round instead.

-- Calling Baseball Mom after the verdict was handed down was essentially the same as calling her after she won the lottery. "DONNY WON!!!!! DONNY WON!!!! DONNY WON!!!!" was all I heard for about 2 minutes and 16 seconds. And you know what? That's definitely better than trying to think of a way to cheer her up had Mr. Osmond lost. "I love you, Mom" really wouldn't have meant much at that point.

-- Overall, I enjoyed the season. Will I watch the show again? Probably not. It's a huge time commitment with all of the episodes, so unless you have a horse in the race, it becomes monotonous. However, should any of my favorite celebrities get on a future season, I'll certainly check in. Regardless, I thought it was interesting to watch all of the routines come together and then see if they could be performed well on "show night". The celebrities seemed to work very hard and all of them were competitive about the contest. I liked it, I really did.

And with that, I'm handing in my "Dancing with the Stars" critic's pen. The season has been long and winding (I feel like I started watching back in June, to be honest), but certainly delivered some solid entertainment along the way. I'm glad Donny one because a.) I told you he would and b.) I can go home and see Baseball Mom without any unforeseen issues now.

As we all know, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 8

It's a big day for Skip To My Lank. Baseball Mom has come out of her shell and decided to give us a professional recap of this week's Dancing with the Stars happenings. Prepare yourself, hers is a lot better than any of mine, so get ready to have your mind blown. The following are her words, not mine; so all compliments and kind words can be directed her way.

Lank (my sweet son) asked me to do the recap blog for Dancing With the Stars. He knows how I love the show and especially love Donny Osmond. I enjoy each week talking and/or texting with Lank to get his opinions on the dances. When I know he isn't watching the show live, it's all I can do to keep my fingers off the keys to keep from texting him. (note: Baseball Mom inserted something sappy and kind about me here, but I figured you had no interest in seeing that, so I kept it for myself. You're welcome.) So, here is the recap!

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Mya and Dmitry came out ready to go this week. After several weeks of hearing the judges (especially Len) say Mya was not doing the difficult steps and her dancing was all about show, Mya was ready for her comeback. She and Dmitry danced the quickstep first and nailed it. The received a score of 29. Their second dance was the 70's Samba and it was excellent! While watching Mya and Dmitry dance the Samba, all I could think was they are going to get 10's for a perfect score of 30! Yep, they sure did, and well deserved. I think you will see Mya and Dmitry in the finals.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff - Aaron and Karina danced the foxtrot for their first dance. It was alright. They received a score of 23 which I thought was about on target. The dance was good but not great! I just had an okay feeling after they finished. Their second dance was the 90's Samba. I have to say, they really did a great job on this dance. The 90's version of the Samba was what Aaron could relate to and it showed. They received a score of 27. I have never been a fan of Aaron's and think he is arrogant and acts like a spoiled brat!

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Joanna and Derek's first dance was the quick step. Something was off with them tonight. Joanna couldn't keep up with the steps and it was obvious she made a few mistakes. They received a score of 23. No surprise at all considering I could even see the mistakes. Their second dance was a Futuristic Paso Doble! Wow is all I can say! It was creative, inventive and Joanna and Derek were on. I did not see any mistakes. They were really in sync (hey, isn't that a singing group?) Ha, ha. They received a 29.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Kelly and Louis danced the foxtrot and received a 25. The dance was great and Kelly stayed focused during the whole dance, even when mistakes were made. You could tell Kelly was having a good time and enjoying herself for once. Their second dance was a 60's Jive. Again, Kelly and Louis did an awesome job of dancing and having fun. They received a score of 26. I think Louis is an excellent dance instructor and has a way of teaching that Kelly seems to understand. I have a suspicion Kelly will be eliminated this week. I don't think she can keep up the great dancing two weeks in a row.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Everyone who reads Lank's blog knows I am in LOVE with Donny Osmond. I began this love affair with Donny when I was about 12 years old. I loved the Osmond Brothers and bought all their records and albums. I had posters of Donny all over the walls in my bedroom. When the Osmonds announced they were coming to Indianapolis for a show, I begged my dad to get me tickets from a friend of his. My dad was the manager of a post office branch in Indiana and knew the guy who promoted the concerts. Dad called this guy up and asked about the tickets. He told dad the first seven rows were reserved for "important" people but he would get me as close as possible. I was on the floor in the 10th row. I was psyched!!! I bought a new purple outfit because it was Donny's favorite color! Screamed through the whole concert and loved every minute of it!!! Ask me today and I can sing most of the Osmonds songs by memory (including Donny's). I know TMI, but I just had to share. :) Back to the recap...Donny and Kym's first dance was the Viennese Waltz. Wow! It was effortless, graceful and simple. Donny had mentioned in the clip before they danced that he was burned out from weeks of dance and missing his family, but had had a paradigm shift and was ready to go again. It showed! I wanted to be dancing the waltz with him. They received and 26. I think it should have been higher, but I'm biased, I know. Donny and Kym's second dance was an 80's Paso Doble. It was good but not my favorite. They did bring back memories of the 80's and the songs of that era. Their score was a 26. I was concerned at this point because Donny and Kym had one of the lowest combined scores.

In the end, Aaron went home. Too bad, so sad. Donny is still in and I am happy! But, Donny has to bring it next week to stay in the competition. My prediction is Mya and Donny will be in the finals.

I've enjoyed recapping the show for you. If I am lucky, Lank will let me do it again.

~~ Baseball Mom

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 7

Well, the inevitable finally happened. Mark struggled to adapt to his third partner in a week (more on that later), and Michael's fan support finally ran out. Considering that this week there was another double elimination to get the number of contestants down to five, it's no surprise that neither of those guys were around for the Fab Five. They have gotten better in the past few weeks, but they aren't in the top tier. A surprise was Aaron Carter getting the high score of the week (29) on Monday, yet being voted in the bottom three on Tuesday. Translation: the fans hate him.

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - After a down week last week, Mya and Dmitry were back at it this week with a very good Foxtrot. Getting two 9s from the judges (and a 7), their 25 wasn't the highest of the week, but it certainly got them headed back in the right direction. I still think these two are headed for the final, and you're gonna have to waterboard me to make me think otherwise. Not that that's an invitation or anything. Just sayin'.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff - Aaron killed it this week with a superb jive. But, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, his act is wearing thin on the viewing audience. He's moody, sometimes he cries, and then he'll deliver a great performance when he's actually focused. Even when he does well, he's melodramatic and doesn't seem to enjoy himself. Look, Joanna's hot, Mya can dance, Donny is the crowd favorite, and Kelly is the underdog that everyone likes rooting for. If you think there's any chance Aaron Carter wins this competition, then I have two words for you: get your head examined.

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Even though I still think Mya is headed to the final, I'm slightly worried about Joanna taking her spot. With a downright lovely rumba this week, Joanna and Derek earned 9s across the board and continued their remarkable consistency. Even when she stumbled dancing with Maks a couple weeks ago, the rest of the dance was so good that she still got a 24. She's very graceful and seems to work hard on her routines. And did I mention she's hot? Ok, just making sure.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - If I had to pick someone to be eliminated next week, it'd be Kelly. I know, I know; I talk about Aaron losing the favor of the crowd all the time. However, I think his talent will keep him around for another week, as long as he puts together a good routine. His best is better than Kelly's best, so when he's on, she's the worst dancer left. She's a great story, has vastly improved since Week 1, and has the potential to surprise me. But for now, I look at her as the ultimate underdog in comparison to the rest of the cast.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Not bad. I made the mistake of telling Baseball Mom that Donny didn't give his best performance on Monday. She texted back about .2216 seconds later with this response: "you are not an expert, mister". Oh, ok. Love you too. She hasn't spoken to me since then, but I think she still loves me (actually, that's not true; I've spoken to her several times since, but there is some extra tension in her tone. I may need to lay off until the next show, huh?). He danced a quickstep and made a few missteps during his routine. He was fantastic as a member of Team Tango during the team dance (don't ask, it's complicated), so his individual score remained high this week. I still think he's the favorite due to the overwhelming crowd support he gets every show, but he'll need to keep up with Mya and Joanna to make sure.

Note: I'm trying to convince Baseball Mom to do a wrap-up herself since she has a good eye for this sort of thing. However, we're still in contract negotiations, so I'll let you know when we make some headway. Until then, you're stuck with me. Thank you, thank you; I appreciate the support.

~~ Lank

"Modern Family" = Modern Hilarity

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I try to add a few new shows to my television viewing schedule each fall. Some only last a few episodes (Smith, Life, Pushing Daisies) while others last for seasons (Friday Night Lights, House, CSI). If the first few episodes are any indication, I’m really hoping that “Modern Family” falls in the latter category.

It’s a complicated show to describe, but an easy show to follow. Here’s my best attempt to describe it: A middle-aged man (Jay) has remarried a much younger Latina (Gloria) and is helping her raise her pre-teen son (Manny). Jay’s daughter (Claire) is married to a self-proclamied “cool dad” (Phil) and their parenting styles clash while raising three adolescent children of their own (Luke, Alex, and Haley). Jay’s son, Claire’s brother (Mitchell) is a gay man who is living with his boyfriend (Cameron), and they’ve recently adopted a Vietnamese toddler (Lily). Got all that? I didn’t think so. Just watch it; you’ll figure it out in no time.

The beauty of the show lies in the chemistry of the cast, as every scene seems to bring out plenty of comedy while also showing plenty of heart. The jokes aren’t superficial or crude, they’re just really funny. Most of the laughs come from the normal interactions between family members rather than one person hating on another. Most comedies these days resort to cheap jokes or sexual innuendos to get a laugh out of the audience. “Modern Family” succeeds in bringing humor to real situations that seem perfectly plausible. Disagreements between in-laws, awkward moments in front of family members, naïve assumptions; they’re all in play as the family bickers in a loving sort of way.

Phil and Jay are my favorite characters. Phil attempts to be the “cool dad” while using slang or behaving in a way that is abnormal for his age is hilarious. Some of his phrases are inherently quotable (i.e. to Claire: “the whole point of keeping it real is taking it to the next level. Did you really not know that?”), and provide humorous scenes week after week. We’ve all had moments when our parents tried to be cool or say something to us that sounded completely weird coming out of their mouths, so it’s funny to see that caricature acted out on TV. Jay, played by Ed O’Neill, who starred as Al Bundy on “Married With Children”, is the rich old guy who is set in his ways to a t. There are plenty of times where he seems agitated by the whole gang yet tries to get over it to support them…and fails to do so. His performance resembles an older, crankier Al Bundy, which is perfect for the role.

The other night, my roommate’s girlfriend and I were watching TV while he was in his room studying (he’s in law school so he’s kind of a big deal). When I asked her if she wanted to watch the episode of “Modern Family” that I’d recorded, she said she’d give it a try (she’d never seen it before). Less than a minute after I started the recording, she was laughing out loud. Phil’s antics, Lily’s cuteness, Jay’s grumpiness, and Mitchell and Cameron’s back-and-forth banter had her rolling. Once the episode was over, she asked, “when does the show come on? I need to add it to my DVR.” I’m confident that if you watch just a single episode you’ll be hooked just like she is now.

Oh, and for the record, “Modern Family” airs Wednesday nights at 9 pm on ABC. Thank me later.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 6

Not exactly the best week for ol' Lank. There was a double elimination on Tuesday, and two of my favorite couples were given the boot. Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas, and Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower were shown the door after being voted off by the fans and losing in a dance-off, respectively. The lowest vote-getter was Hart, who was eliminated immediately. From there, Louie and Michael (the next two lowest vote-getters) were forced to do another dance at the end of the show, with the judges then deciding who would stay and who would go. Michael danced his samba better than Louie did his jive, and was asked to leave bye the judges. (Sigh.) Now it's on to rooting for Donny for Baseball Mom's emotional well-being. That's all I have left. (Another sigh.) As for everyone else...

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Finally, something Mya can't do flawlessly. Dancing the jitterbug, she looked uncomfortable and never really had the flow or rhythm that she and Dmitry normally share. She's obviously a talented dancer and is in no danger of leaving the show anytime soon, but her effort this week reminds everyone that these dances are hard and sometimes cannot be mastered in a week. Or, in Michael's case, six weeks.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff - Aaron danced a waltz this week, and as I mentioned last week, slow dances aren't his forte. However, he wowed the judges with his control and actually received the second-highest score of the week with a 25. Much better than his living-on-the-edge behavior of late, and he wasn't in the bottom two for the first time in two weeks. Coincidence? Nope, not at all.

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer - Mark's growing on me. I haven't been the most complimentary guy in the world when it comes to his dance moves, but this week, he was the only one for whom I actually applauded once he was finished with his jitterbug (sorry, Mom). The chemistry between he and Lacey is growing by the week and, all of a sudden, he's no longer a threat to be eliminated...for now. He's got some improving to do if he wants to dance with the big guns, but so far, so good.

Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova - Following up his season-high score of 21 last week, Michael threw up a 20 this week to show some consistency. His waltz was a little uneven and lacked flair, but he did a good job with his steps and commanded the crowd, as usual. The dance-off victory was big for him because despite his enormous fan support, he'll get bit soon if he doesn't show better moves. You know, since the whole point of the show is to dance well and all.

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Remember how I asked to give her a mulligan last week? It's a good thing, because she tore it up this week. Her waltz with Derek (welcome back) was elegant and sharp, giving her the high score of the week with a 26. The girl can dance and seems to be captivating the crowd one week at a time, so it'll be interesting to see how the female showdown between she and Mya plays out as we get closer to the finale. Who am I betting on? Mya, but I reserve the right to change my mind. Hey, you asked, I just gave you an honest answer.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Well, at least now we know that Kelly isn't good at the jitterbug. She's been playing the underdog role all season long and has been surprisingly good at a number of dances, both fast and slow. However, her jitterbug was awkward and she didn't really seem to enjoy herself. The good news is that despite her relatively lackluster performance, she wasn't in the bottom two (or even the bottom three) and lives to fight another day. We'll see what happens next week, but she's safe for now.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Donny and Kym also drew the jitterbug this week and did a fast-paced number. There was some interesting choreography and the energy level was definitely high. Not Donny's best performance, but the crowd was into it and he got yet another standing ovation once he was finished. There was no doubt that he was safe during the elimination episode, but that didn't keep Baseball Mom from telling me that she was nervous until it was announced that he was coming back next week. Mom, Donny's killing it this season; I'll be sure to let you know when you should be nervous. For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the performances he's giving.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 5

This week, there was a HUGE surprise in the elimination. Natalie Coughlin, the gold medal swimmer, was voted off despite being a high scorer only a couple of weeks ago. Sharing the bottom two with Coughlin was Aaron Carter, who was in the bottom two for the second week in a row. The judges haven't been impressed with his uptight demeanor, and it seems to be wearing thin on the voters as well. With a huge fan following, Michael Irvin continues to be safe week after week. His dancing is improving, but not enough to save him without vast fan support. It'll be interesting to see how long he can keep it up. So what's up with the remaining couples? Glad you asked:

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - The Argentine Tango was kind to them. With three 9s, another solid 27 puts them about where we expect them to be. Yeah, it's kind of harsh to hold them to such a high standard this early in the competition, but with the way they've been dancing, we have no choice. And by "we," I clearly mean everyone in America since I'm the official Skip To My Lank spokesperson for all DWTS fans. Thanks, it's a great honor.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff - Solid, but nothing crazy. Aaron seems to be better with the faster-paced dances, and the Argentine Tango is a very discipline routine. He held his own and seemed to enjoy himself more, so I fully expect for him to be back with us next week and the week after. Unless the damage has already been done with the fan base (Baseball Mom is a decent bellwether, and she can't stand him, so there you go).

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer - Mark did his thing this week. Dancing the paso doble with a partner that was dressed up like a bull, he showed a lot of personality and performance. The dance was energetic and he really impressed both the judges and crowd with his routine. I wouldn't be surprised if that performance saves him for the next couple weeks. It was that good.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas - Everybody knows I love Melissa, but I'm still not sold on her slow dance routines. As an actress, she likes to get into the performance aspect of the dances, which suits her better for faster-paced routines. However, Argentine Tango was good and showed her improvement in the slow dance area. If she continues her progress and becomes a more complete dancer, I think her relationship with the crowd will take her further than we expect. Maybe.

Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova - By far Mike's best performance of the season. He rocked the paso doble with a very authoritative performance that showed off some nifty footwork and gobs of personality. You can still see the rigidity in a lot of his movements, but he has improved quite a bit and will be an interesting contestant for the remainder of the season. His fan support is clearly there, but can he keep progressing enough to have the judge support that will ultimately keep him on the show?

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Let's give her a mulligan this week. Derek had the flu, so she actually danced with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, and the lack of practice caught up to her. Her misstep almost caused Maks to fall, and there were big point demerits because of it. However, the rest of her Argentine Tango was nearly flawless, and she should be around for a while, despite the mistake. Hopefully, the voters feel the same way as yours truly. If not, we're headed for a Michael/Kelly final, and I'm not cool with that. Sorry, just venting after Natalie got voted off for no reason. Speaking of Kelly...

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Probably one of the more fun moments of the season this week. Kelly danced to her dad's song "Crazy Train" and gave an energetic paso doble. The song fit the routine very well, and it was cool to see Kelly dancing to her dad's song while he was in the audience rooting her on. She apparently injured her foot during the dance, but nobody noticed; a testament to her determination. She'll be fine, and should be dancing next week.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - Well, that just wasn't fair. Donny drew the Argentine Tango this week, a dance tailor made to his talents. Showmanship, pace, attitude, confidence, class; they were all on display as Donny danced circles around his competition. Basically, millions of American women (and maybe some dudes, no homo) fell in love with him as he danced flawlessly around the floor in a very strong, deliberate performance. I'm telling you, the way this guy goes out there and works the crowd every week, it's going to take a huge swing in votes for someone to dethrone him. He has a huge fan base and can actually dance...a good combination for this show.

Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower - My favorite couple was better this week, but they're still lagging behind the others. The Argentine Tango is a very disciplined routine, and Louie had a few missteps that showed. He doesn't dance a whole lot, he just sort of stands around while Chelsie looks really, really, really good and moves equally as well. If he wants to survive another week, he'll need to diversify his routines and put a little action in his game. Maybe next week is the start of a new era for him.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 4

Once again, there was a mild surprise in this week's elimination. Michael Irvin, the NFL Hall of Famer, had the low scores of the week and seemed destined to be voted off this week. However, early in the results show, host Tom Bergeron let us know that Michael was safe. Who, then, would be eliminated? My immediate guess was UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, who has been entertaining, but stiff and rigid, throughout the competition. Liddell was announced to be in the bottom two of the voting along with...surprise...Aaron Carter. Yes, the guy who had a score of 27 (out of 30) just two weeks ago is now battling to fend off elimination. His lame act of crying, complaining, and seeming not to have an ounce of fun seems to be catching up with him. I'm sure he'll make it another round or two due to the fact that he's not the worst dancer on the show, but I don't expect him to make it to the final six. So, what's up with the remaining couples? Glad you asked:

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin - Another week, another blistering performance. Dancing a lambada, these two put up two 10s on the board, as well as an 8 from crotchety judge Len Goodman. The total of 28 was tied for the highest score this week, and their dances continue to be among the most watchable of the season. They are constantly in synch incorporate smooth moves into every routine. If they get voted off at any point, it won't be because of a poor effort on the dance floor, that's for sure.

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff - Like I said earlier, this guy is flaming out (yes, I used that phrase on purpose) and may not last very much longer. The fans seem to be growing tired of his attitude and lack of enjoyment in the competition. He annoys me and I'm really hoping he'll get voted off this week although I know better. Grow up, Aaron.

Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo - This is a sneaky good duo. Natalie has put her initial nerves behind her and has put together some great dances lately. Her bolero with Alec wasn't showstopping, but it certainly was consistent and had no major flaws. Her trio of 8s were a score indicative of the performance. Nothing flashy, but getting the job done at a high level. She seems to be a crowd favorite as well (duh, she's won a bunch of gold medals for Uncle Sam; who doesn't respect that?), so I expect her to hang around awhile.

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer - I'm still not a fan of his, but I have to admit that buddy did his thing this week. Dancing the country two-step, he seemed more relaxed and actually put together a solid performance. That, and his beautiful young daughter told him that she loved him in one of the pre-dance video snippets. I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, people. Sue me. Anyway, after Michael gets eliminated this week (predicted alert!!), I believe Mark will be the next to go. And rightfully so.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas - I'm happy for Melissa, I really am. She's still not the best dancer out there, but she's progressing and has gotten better every week. The pinnacle of her progress occurred this week when she and Mark absolutely killed the Charleston. She put on a remarkable performance and got two well-deserved 9s and a 10 as her scores. The fans love her (myself included) and as long as she continues to get better and better on the floor, she will be around awhile. Do your thing, girl.

Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova - Mike, I love you, dude. You're entertaining and have a great personality on the dance floor, but the dancing technique just isn't there. You're too stiff, you don't have any fluidity to your movements at all, and you seem entirely too reliant on Anna to compensate for your shortcomings. Sadly, I think we've reached the end of the road for you in the coming week, but I have said that before...

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough - Remember last week, when I said that these two were going to set the floor on fire with their lambada? Yeah, it just about happened. Though no tangible flames were present (except for Aaron Carter), the dance was terrific and really set the tone for the evening. These two have great chemistry and better clear their schedules for the next few weeks; they're going to be busy dancing all the way to the end.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel - Don't look now, but Kelly's getting good. She and Louis did the Charleston this week, and I must admit that I was surprised by how well she performed. Her confidence seems to be there and her motions are surprisingly fluid. Everybody likes and underdog, and as long as she can continue to maintain solid showings (like this week's 23), the fan votes will keep pouring in.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson - After Donny's dance this week, I texted Baseball Mom and said, "Unbelievable. That guy is just a pro." He danced the Charleston with Kym and provided a high-energy routine that belied his 51 year age. He continues to show up week in and week out with strong performances that show you why the guy has been revered in the business for so many years. He's older than everyone on the show, yet he consistently outshines them all (except for Mya, of course). Nice work, Donny; Baseball Mom and I continue to be amazed (well, I'm amazed, she's just smitten).

Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower - My favorite couple didn't have a very good week. They attempted to do the country two-step, but neither of them seemed very comfortable doing it. Louie just kinda stood around while Chelsie looked incredible dancing around him. The judges weren't impressed, and Louie ended up with a score of 16, the same as Michael Irvin. When your scores are in Michael range, that's not the best of signs. Luckily, the fans pushed him through to next week and we'll see if he can rebound...and keep Chelsie on the show for another week. Love her.

~~ Lank

Dancing with the Stars Recap: Week 3

It’s taken a couple weeks, but the favorites are starting to emerge from the cluttered field of celebrities on this season’s edition of Dancing with the Stars.

After getting rid of the extreme dead weight in the first two weeks (Macy Gray, Ashley Hamilton, and Kathy Ireland), the show has picked up steam as each pair is looking better and better each week. Tom DeLay was forced to withdraw from the competition (along with his lovely partner, Cheryl Burke) due to stress fractures in both feet, and Debi Mazar (who you may recognize as Vinny’s publicist in Entourage) was voted off in this week’s results show. Tom was one of the worst dancers on the show, so his absence doesn’t mean a whole lot, but Debi was a bit of a surprise, as she seemed to be performing better than both Chuck Liddell and Michael Irvin. She wasn’t a favorite, though, so she would’ve been gone at some point anyway. Here are my thoughts on the remaining couples:

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin – The clear favorites right now. Mya has used her R&B smoothness and innate dance skill to make each routine look downright flawless. Her rumba this week netted two 10s from the judges and let everyone know who means business right now. If she’s not in the final, then I really don’t know how the show works. Wait, bad example…

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff – I really want Aaron to go away. From his annoying lisp/accent/attempt to talk cool to his terrible hairstyle, I’m not feeling him at all. Add in the fact that Karina seems like a taskmaster and never smiles, there’s not much to like about this duo. Which could explain why they were in jeopardy of being eliminated this week despite the fact that they’re one of the 5 best pairs on the show. Oh, and did I mention that Aaron cried after messing up his performance this week? Yeah, what a bum; get your swag up, son.

Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo – Ol’ girl turned her sexiness on this week. After seeming a little bland and robotic the first two weeks, her rumba to “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins was quite the show. She seems to have more charisma and glamour than usual and may have turned the corner in her quest. I’m keeping an eye on her in the coming weeks…for more reasons than one.

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer – Another guy I wish would just get off the show already. He’s a solid dancer and doesn’t do anything terrible, but he doesn’t bring much entertainment value. All of his dances seem flat and he and Lacey have zero chemistry. I respect the fact that an Iron Chef can get down on the dance floor, but he needs to stay in the kitchen and out of the ballroom. Speaking of kitchen and ballroom, it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas – My second-favorite couple on the show (I’ll reveal my favorite in just a minute, I know you’re on pins and needles), Melissa was a great influence on a younger Lank. From Clarissa Explains It All to Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Ms. Hart has taught me some valuable lessons. Mark has some serious swag to him. Not only can he get down on the ballroom floor, but he can dance the hip-hop style of the Jabbawockeez as well. He’s not afraid to tell his partner to step her game up, which I respect, but he’s a good enough teacher that he has the calmed-down mother of two looking every bit the part of ballroom dancer. Melissa needs to get a little more personality on the floor, and a little less fear, but if she’s able to get the persona to go with Mark’s moves, this couple could surprise. Wow, I just spent entirely too long explaining that. Oh well.

Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova – Mike, you’re a Hall of Famer and have 3 Super Bowl rings. Clearly you have a lot of physical ability and were one of the most charismatic players in recent memory. However, you’re not a very good dancer. You’re entirely too stiff and think that your million-dollar smile is going to get you into the next round on its own. Well, I guess it’s worked this long, hasn’t it? Don’t be surprised if this couple is the next to go. Getting low scores week after week is bound to catch up to them.

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough – If not for Mya and Dmitry, this couple would be the favorite to make the finals from the group of female celebs. Joanna has shown that she can be smooth on the dance floor and bring a lot of energy when necessary. Derek’s choreography is always legit and the two make a great pair. With these two doing the lambada next week, the dance floor is liable to catch fire. I’m looking forward to it. No, really, I am. Seriously, quit laughing; I’m a man, I’m 40!!

Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya – Poor Anna. Every time they dance, I’m convinced that Chuck is going to rip off her arms and eat them. His intensity is apparent in every dance…but that’s not always a good thing. Even when they’re supposed to be fun and romantic, he looks like he’s about fight Rampage Jackson again. Were it not for Michael Irvin, Chuck would win the award for Most Likely To Be Voted Off Next Week.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel – The surprise of the season thus far. After blowing her waltz out of the water in week one, Kelly faltered a bit with her tango in week two. Well, this week, she was back on her game with a great rendition of the samba. She seems to be working hard and is getting better, and more confident, every week. She isn’t the most talented dancer on the roster, but she’s winning over the fans with her dedication and underdog storyline. This could get interesting.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson – Look, I know I joke about rooting for Donny a lot, especially since my mother will take me out of her will if I don’t, but the guy is a showman. He really is. His rumba was alright, but every time he takes the dance floor, you’re convinced that the dude is going to throw up a 30 (perfect score). His charisma is undeniable and for him to be moving so effortlessly and so gracefully at the age of 51 (that’s still young, right Mom?) is quite impressive. Ladies and gentlemen (yes, I’m assuming more than one of each will be reading this), I hereby declare Donald Clark Osmond as your favorite to reach the finals from the group of male celebrities. He’s a fan favorite (seriously, if you could name one guy who is PERFECT for the demographic of this show, wouldn’t Donny have to be the pick?), he’s got a lot of ability, and I dare you to hate on the guy after watching him dance. He’s legit.

Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower – Remember how, earlier, I promised to reveal my favorite couple on the show? Well, here they are. Louie is a pro snowboarder whom I had never heard of prior to watching the show, but he’s a cool dude. I feel like he could be sitting on the couch next to me at any time, sharing a Coke Classic and some Starbursts. And Chelsie? Well, let’s just say that during her dance this week, she somehow moved her hips and her booty in a snake-like motion without moving her back or shoulders, and then rotated her body in a similar manner to face the camera. .00235 seconds later, I was madly in love. Girl’s got skills. I would honestly marry her tomorrow if she were to ask me to. I’m not normally a rash decision-maker like that, but when you know, you know. Sometimes it’s as easy as a girl gyrating in a way you’ve never seen before that makes it all too clear for you. I may, or may not, have found the video of their routine from this week online and fast forwarded to that part (2:34), only to then rewind it and watch it 21 times. Maybe. Anyway, she and Louie have tremendous chemistry and really make you feel like you’re watching an actual couple when they dance. Considering a lot of the pairs seem disconnected and scared to touch one another, it’s easy to root for. Go get ‘em, Louie and Chelsie, I’ll be rooting for you.

So there you go. I took a week off from blogging because I’ve been a busy bee lately, but I didn’t want you people (mainly Baseball Mom) to think I’d given up on my quest to watch Dancing with the Stars this season. I’ve seen all the episodes and have enjoyed the early part of the season. Hopefully, as the season progress and we eliminate more of the dead weight, there will be some really good competition among the 4 or 5 pairs that really seem to know what they’re doing.

Either that, or Chelsie will dance solo for an hour each week. I'm fine with either.

~~ Lank

Dancing With The Stars Recap: Week 1

Ok, that was interesting. Mostly in a good way.

At the behest of my loving mother, Baseball Mom, I decided to watch Dancing With The Stars this season. And by "behest," I mean that had I not watched it, I would have been unable to return home ever again. Ever. Why? Two words: Donny Osmond.

Anyway, I was unable to watch Monday night's episode (in which the male contestants danced) due to my fervent allegiance to the Indianapolis Colts. Yes, the Colts tried to make me collapse, but I still love them. However, I told Baseball Mom to send me text updates (to read after the game) to let me know how things were going. I would try to put them into my own words, but why would I undercut a professional like that? Here's what she had to say:

8:11 pm - "Aaron: cha cha not bad. Two dances tonight. Backstreet Boys are in the house"
8:15 pm - "The two dances are the cha cha and the waltz"
8:21 pm - "Chuck: fox trot awful"
8:23 pm - "Some of his fellow fighters were there"
8:34 pm - "Mark from iron chef cha cha very good"
8:43 pm - "Ashley Hamilton fox trot so so"
8:55 pm - "Donny fox trot HOT!" (shocker there)
9:07 pm - "Louie the skate boarder so so and he has a nice smile. I think Jermaine (Jackson) is sitting with Marie (I think she meant Osmond, but I really don't know that for sure. And, for the record, Louie is a snowboarder)"
9:17 pm - "Michael cha cha too tight and arrogant"
9:30 pm - "Tom cha cha not too bad he danced to wild thing"
9:45 pm - "Donny was so awesome on the second dance!" (another surprise, right?)

To double-check on my mother, I YouTubed a few of the routines later that night and I agree with most of her assessments. So, let's move on to the ladies, shall we?

Tuesday night's episode featured the 8 female contestants: Macy Gray, Joanna Krupa, Melissa Joan Hart, Natalie Coughlin, Debi Mazar, Mya, Kelly Osbourne, and Kathy Ireland. I had never seen the show up to this point, so I didn't really know what to expect. I must admit, however, that I enjoyed the episode. The dancing was entertaining, the structure of the show was well-paced, and the judges were quality. I liked it. There, I said it.

In terms of performance, Joanna, Kelly, and Natalie were terrific. Kelly Osbourne came out and waltzed, which is probably the last thing I'd have expected to happen. She was great, though. Joanna's salsa nearly made me fall in love, but I'm already taken. On the other hand, Macy and Kathy left a lot to be desired. They seemed stiff and really didn't perform so much as they survived. Mya, Melissa, and Debi were solid, but I want to see more from them in the coming weeks. After seeing all of the dances, I was hoping that Wednesday night's elimination episode would lead to Macy Gray and Ashley Hamilton being axed. They weren't good and needed to be let go immediately. Hey, speaking of that episode...

So tonight, I watched the results show. After drawing out the drama for all it was worth, it was revealed that Ashley was the guy chosen to be eliminated (or, I guess, not chosen to advance since it's all based on fan votes). Thus, I was one-for-one in my picks. All I needed was Macy go get the heave-ho and I would be a content (new) viewer for next week's episodes. Following a tribute to Patrick Swayze by the professional dancers, the female who would be eliminated was finally revealed...Macy Gray. Yep, that's right, two-for-two on the evening for Lank. This reminds me of the (only) season of American Idol I watched, when I chose Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis as my favorites from the get-go. The finalists that year? Jordin and Blake. Don't worry, I'll bow later.

All in all, I enjoyed the first week of shows. Yes, it's an insane commitment (two two-hour shows and a one-hour results show), but that lightens up in the coming weeks as the field gets smaller. I look forward to watching the show to see if Clarissa, the Playmaker, and the rest are able to survive the onslaught that is Donny Osmond. You should've seen him on Tuesday night (while the ladies were dancing). He had this look on his face like, "really? You're coming at me with that? I can sleepwalk better than you're dancing right now." I'm telling you, the guy's a killer on the dance floor and has to be the favorite (along with Joanna on the female side) to make the finals.

(Mom, seriously, quit calling me, I promise that I'm being (mostly) genuine in my compliments about him. Only 12% are sarcastic, ok? I love you.)

Check back next week to see the continuation of my expert opinion concerning the goings-on of this season's edition of Dancing With The Stars.

~~ Lank

Come On, Lamar; You Can Do Better

In case you haven't heard, Lamar Odom is marrying Khloe Kardashian this weekend. I'm all for true love and holy matrimony and all that, but I can't say that I support anything about this decision on Lamar's behalf. Why? Well, I've decided to make it easier on you, my valued reader, to follow along in my thought process by separating my points, thus making them easier to digest. Here we go...

1.) It's Khloe Kardashian -- not Kim: Kim Kardashian is a good-looking woman. Yeah, she's kinda trashy and doesn't have much going on upstairs, but at least when she walks down the street, fellas do double-takes. Khloe? Not so much. She's had weight problems, complains about not getting as much attention as her sisters, and just isn't very attractive. Do you really want that forever, Lamar?

2.) You're Lamar Odom: Look, you play for the Lakers, you're a good-looking guy, you just signed a multi-million dollar extension to stay in L.A., and you've never had any legal troubles. Basically, you can have your pick of the litter when it comes to Southern California females. Hugh Hefner has been making a living off of being rich and famous in SoCal for years, at least pretend like you have one-hundredth of his swag.

3.) She used to date Rashad McCants: Nothing against the former Tar Heel, Timberwolve, and King, but he's not exactly an All-Star. As a matter of fact, he's not even signed to a team right now and he's only (almost) 25 years old. You can't go out like that, Lamar. Taking a girl who got cheated on by a guy who isn't even in the League right now? You just won a championship, man; you could do a lot better than a guy who's a sixth man, at best.

4.) You have two children: From all accounts, Lamar, you're a good father. What makes you think that Khloe is the type of woman that you need to help raise your kids? From what I've seen of her (and admittedly, that's not a whole lot) she seems immature, whiny, and needy. Your kids are supposed to be that way, not the woman you choose to raise them with.

5.) The drama potential is too high: The way she handles her self on Keeping Up With the Kardashians leads me to believe she's a drama queen. Lamar, you don't need that. You have a career and a new extension with the Lakers to think about. How are you supposed to concentrate on winning championships when you're wife is complaining about how her sister gets more attention from magazines than she does? Do you think Vanessa Bryant does that?

6.) You've been dating a month: This has nothing to do with you or Khloe in particular, Lamar. This is just a blanket statement to couples everywhere. If you propose after a month, you're asking for trouble. Is a month even long enough to get into an argument? How's that gonna go? A month? Neither of you are even 30 yet, what's the rush? A month? Come on, man. Cook that bird slow; don't throw it in the microwave.

That's all I have for now. I could probably come up with ten more, but the nice guy in me (yeah, he's down there somewhere, I promise) won't allow me to do so. So, Lamar, please take what I've said under advisement and consider your future. I'm not saying she's not wifey material (actually, I am), but I just think you have a few things to work out before throwing the ring on her finger.

Be smart, man; alimony is forever.

~~ Lank