GB's Big Ten Movies of 2009

My boy, GB, first came to fame on Skip To My Lank by delivering one of my favorite quotes of 2009. Now, partly because I asked him to, partly because he was doing it anyway, and partly because he was inspired by my list, GB is here to deliver his Big Ten movies of 2009. It's called his "Big Ten" because there are eleven movies. If you don't get the humor in that, then I really think we need to start seeing other people. Basically, GB is an aspiring filmmaker, and has forgotten more about movies than I'll ever know. I value his opinion and would prefer that if you were forced to choose between my list and his, you'd read his. It's that serious. The fact that he and I shared some of the same favorite makes me feel better about my choices. Without further ado...

Best Film of the Year: A Serious Man

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you consider just how prolific and consistently great Joel and Ethan Coen are, it’s hard to stack anyone up against them as far as the discussion of greatest working filmmakers goes. Still, they couldn’t get a wide release for their latest masterpiece. I guess it’s because you won’t recognize anyone in it beyond wondering “Oh, it’s the guy from, uh, uh…” It’s a loose re-telling of Job, filtered through that Midwestern lens that’s so specific to the Coens. It’s the kind of personal, risky film that only first-time filmmakers and established Cinema royalty dare lay at an audience’s feet. Like the universe it examines, it raises questions that demand to be answered but cannot be. Absurd. Long live the Brothers Coen.

The Next Best Ten (in alphabetical order):

Adventureland

Greg Mottola’s follow-up to Superbad is not as laugh-out-loud funny as that film, but it’s not trying to be. It’s the kind of movie you chuckle along with all the way through because its little touches all ring so true. I did not work at an amusement park in the 80’s, but I was nostalgic for that experience anyway. Oh, and Hollywood? More work for Martin Starr, please.

District 9

The year’s most enjoyable special effects were featured in a movie that cost $200-million less than Transformers 2. Besides displaying awesomely fun splatter tactics, District 9 was that rare, thoughtful piece of original sci-fi that connected at the box office. Taking cues from “Alien Nation” and The Fly, writer/director Neil Blomkamp (with no small amount of aid from producer Peter Jackson, surely) crafted an apartheid parable that was structurally daring, emotionally resonant, and downright fun. In addition, he got one of the year’s best leading performances out of a guy who’d never really acted before. The character of Wikus Van De Merwe was already written quite well, but Sharlto Copley gets you to connect with him from the beginning when he’s pretty much a nervous, racist wuss to the end when he’s…well, I’d hate to ruin it for anybody.

The Hurt Locker

For the vast majority of its runtime, The Hurt Locker is as good as films get. Kathryn Bigelow’s direction is just plain doggone taut. My heart pounded like a heavy metal kick drum during the disarming scenes. Every point that needs to be made is made by simply showing these guys do their job. Jeremy Renner’s badass performance doesn’t hurt, either. Unfortunately, Mark Boal’s script gets bogged down by just a few scenes in which people openly discuss these points as if he’d hate for the audience to think about what they’re experiencing and tool it out. Even more unfortunate is the fact that most audiences probably appreciated that. It’s still a great film, but those scenes annoyed me.

Inglourious Basterds

Hard to deny Basterds the #1 spot. Tarantino has crafted a beautifully messy love song for Cinema, going so far as to suggest that it can win wars. It’s just enjoyable as hell. Cristoph Waltz is flat-out brilliant. Brad Pitt and his gang are riotous. Melanie Laurent is mesmerizing. My only complaint is that we don’t get to see more of the Basterds. I’d watch a four or five-hour cut of this, easy. It always takes time to tell, but this could end up being my favorite QT film.

The Road

In a just world, Viggo Mortensen would be a lock for Best Actor at any ceremony where they hand out movie awards this year. And John Hillcoat would have no problem financing any upcoming project of his choosing. Unfortunately we live in this world where Viggo is being ignored as usual, Hillcoat’s much-anticipated (by me at least) next project just fell apart, and hardly anyone is seeing or appreciating this faithful and moving adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s incredible novel. For shame. The highest prize I can give The Road is that it operates just like the beak. Casts a huge, bleak, monotonous background out of which its emotional grip sneaks and takes hold of you. You don’t even realize the extent to which the story is working on you, then suddenly you’re torn apart inside.

Star Trek

Considering I like sci-fi and write sci-fi, a lot of people are surprised to learn that, prior to 2009, the only piece of Star Trek fiction I’ve ever experienced in its entirety was The Wrath of Khan, which is not shabby at all. No real reason, just never got into the series. But I am into JJ Abrams, brother. And I will test any water with his name on it. The man doesn’t disappoint with this reboot of the long-running franchise. The first act of Star Trek is perfect. Science fiction doesn’t get better. The end of the film doesn’t match the brilliance of the beginning and there are some difficult plot holes to work through, but it soars far above the typical summer blockbuster and is really re-watchable. Also, based on the trailers, I thought I was going to hate Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, but he’s fantastic. I am an official fan.

Up in the Air

In Jason Reitman’s debut feature, Thank You for Smoking, Aaron Eckhart played a world-class tobacco lobbyist, a man who thrived at his job that thrived on keeping people addicted to poisonous cigarettes. In Reitman’s latest, Up in the Air, George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a legend in his business, which is to fly around the country firing people. His job thrives on other people losing theirs. In the current economic state, his business is booming. The two films make very interesting companion pieces, studies of men who are achieving their dreams, which have the side effect of detaching them from any sort of binding human connection. Ryan Bingham is unafraid to compellingly argue that this is maybe not such a big deal. Or maybe it is. At the very least, the debate is more complex than most people would like to think. It’s a film well-fit for its time, and one that has stuck deeply in my mind. Great performances across the board. (Though I could’ve used more Zach Galifiankais.) Reitman has knocked it out of the park three times in a row now, and he’s kind enough to consistently take the story in unexpected directions en route to a pleasingly difficult ending.

Watchmen

Trying to adapt any Alan Moore property is a pretty thankless job. If you screw with it at all, fanboys are going to crucify you, and a story like Watchmen is too dense to faithfully adapt for a theatrical release. But that’s what Zach Snyder attempted, and he comes about as close as anybody could to getting it just right. It’s a visual master-stroke that will reward repeat viewings (perhaps even require them for most), revealing its layers of story and philosophy and critique of superhero lore. The “Ultimate Cut”, which re-inserts deleted scenes and splices in the animated comic “Tales from the Black Freighter”, gets even closer to the sprawling meta-work that was Alan Moore’s comic, but will probably just be more confusing for non-fans. And yes, he changed the ending, but it probably works better cinematically then the squid ending could have.

Where the Wild Things Are

So, the story goes that sudio execs were terrified of Spike Jonze and co-writer Dave Eggers’ adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s classic story. Kids cried at test screenings. It was too dark. It was too adult. The more of this I heard, the more I prayed that that was the version I’d get to see. I’m pretty sure it was, and now I totally understand their fears. It is a bizarre film to put in wide release. Like the book before it, there’s very little plot to this story of a boy who becomes king of a gang of wild creatures inside his own mind. Where the book was ten sentences, though, the movie’s 100 minutes long. A very grown-up, 100-minute musing on what it feels like to be nine years old. With awesome giant puppets. What can I say? It made me cry. God bless Spike Jonze. And God bless Warner Brothers’ approach to their tentpoles. They let Christopher Nolan do his brilliant thing with Batman. They’ve steered the Harry Potter films in a respectable direction. And they’ve taken laudable risks on bold directorial visions this year between Jonze and Zach Snyder (Watchmen).

Zombieland

The best surprise of the year. I had very, very mild expectations for Z-Land, but it’s a helluva good time. Jesse Eisenberg plays Jesse Eisenberg, but it works. Woody Harrelson is pitch-perfect. And Emma Stone moved into official crush territory. What really shocked me was that it went beyond a “funny zombie movie”. It was really more a mash-up of zombies and an indie teen romance, and fires on all cylinders. Probably the most fun I had at the movies this year.

Ten More (Honorable mention):

(500) Days of Summer

Anvil! The Story of Anvil

Away We Go

Big Fan

The Damned United

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Funny People

In the Loop

Moon

Up

Movies I didn’t get to see that I suspect could’ve altered the list:

A Single Man

The White Ribbon

Crazy Heart

Worst Piece of Crap Movie of the Year:

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (Lank note: I didn't tell him to put this up here, it's just really that bad. Yes, I detested them making a movie out of my favorite childhood cartoon and said as much all summer long, but I honestly didn't tell GB to do me any favors with this one. Again, it just sucked a lot.)

~~ GB

Taking Advice from The Veteran

I read an article once upon a time that listed the stereotypes of people that you meet in the workplace. They weren't really that accurate, nor were they very funny (probably because people not named Karl Malone are too P.C. to keep it real these days), but there was one in particular that it hit on.

The Veteran.

Basically, The Veteran is that person who's worked at your place of employment for years and years. They can recall the time the company moved buildings, the time they merged with another company, the crazy people that used to work in the department a decade ago; you know, all of that quality stuff. I'm happy to report that not only does my department have a veteran, but our version of The Veteran is the man.

For the four people who read my training class piece, The Veteran is the one who makes the Len Bias quote at the end. Oh yeah, he's that legit.

There are certain topics that will get The Veteran fired up (in a good way), such as the North Carolina Tar Heels, Top Gun, beer, the enormity of America's debt (the man has a solution to our nation's economic problems, maybe I should tell Barry), and anything from the 1980s. And I do mean anything. 'Moo and I spend our days trying to come up with ways to fire up The Veteran without making it too obvious. After all, The Veteran is The Veteran for a reason, and he's not gonna stand for some young punks getting raspy with him. Plus, as animated as he gets when he's fired up in a good way, I'd hate to see what'd happen if he got fired up in a bad way. In a word: death. Unbeknownst to me, but not surprising in the least, The Veteran also has another topic that will take him from a 2 to a 9.4 on the "jacked" scale with the mention of a single word.

Vegas.

One of my roommates is getting hitched in June, so in March, we're all rolling deep to Vegas in order to make some bad decisions, both financially and socially. When I approached The Veteran to get his input on America's Playground, he gave me a Vegas crash course in about 30 minutes with more information than you'd normally get in a weekend there. Hotels, casinos, restaurants, games to play; I mean, the dude was on a roll. The best part was that every recommendation seemed to come with a story to back it up.

My favorite was his story about playing craps (the ultimate team game in Vegas) at a table with about 10 Japanese businessmen. One particular Japanese fellow got the hot hand and was just making it rain on the rest of the table. In order to show their appreciation for his talent, several of the other Japanese businessmen, still dressed in suits from their meeting earlier, picked up the roller over their shoulders and began chanting his name while repeatedly pumping him up and down. Think about that for a minute. That happened. Obviously that's legit, but it's even more legit that The Veteran could recall this story at a moment's notice, tell it in 20 seconds, and have on the floor laughing for the next 5 minutes. All while explaining to me why it's a good idea to play craps in Vegas.

What a hero.

My personal favorite moment of the lecture was when he paid me the ultimate compliment. "Man," The Veteran said, "I'd really like to play craps with you some day, because knowing you, if you got the hot hand, you'd be doing a bunch of crazy shit at the table to celebrate." Honestly, I don't know if that's a back-handed compliment or a straight-up compliment, but I do know that I felt completely honored by his comment. To have a man of his stature tell me that he'd like to be there while I'm setting the dice on fire...I mean, what can I even say to that?

All I can say is that when I head to Las Vegas in a couple months, I'm going to do my best to make The Veteran proud. The lessons he taught me, the experience he passed down to me, and the confidence he instilled in me will be much more valuable than the craps and blackjack books I'm reading in order to prepare, strategically, for the trip. If I just channel my inner Veteran, I know that everything will turn out alright.

It's not everyday that a workplace legend decides to give you knowledge that will benefit you in the future. When veterans pass along such wisdom, it's because they trust you and feel you're ready to learn the tricks of the trade. And by "tricks of the trade," I mean, "stuff that has nothing to do with work, but you need to know it anyway". The Veteran may not be in his prime anymore, but he's selfless enough to ensure that his legacy will still be thriving in today's youth as long as he gives them the proper direction.

So when you see that lanky fellow at a craps table in Vegas the first weekend in March "doing a bunch of crazy shit at the table to celebrate", just know that The Veteran sent him to wreck shop. Don't hate the player; hate the game.

~~ Lank

Karl Keepin' It Real

Every now and then, you just need somebody to keep it real in order to bring some clarity to a situation. Luckily for me, Karl Malone was more than happy to do just that when discussing the Gilbert Arenas fiasco.

Read this.

I mean, really, can you think of a more manly human being to be talking about this? Yeah, me neither. There is so much truth and real talk in that column that I'm almost ashamed to share the same Interwebs as Mr. Malone. If there were an alternate Internet that I could use, I'd certainly do so just to show the proper respect.

I don't know who the genius at SI.com was who decided to ask the Mailman for his opinion on the matter, but that guy should definitely be given a promotion and a raise...and creative control of the website. If we could get more articles like this online as opposed to gossip posing as "news", we'd be in a lot better shape.

And our kids wouldn't be acting like such idiots.

~~ Lank

Lank's Favorite Movies of 2009

Since everyone and their brother seems to be making up a list of their favorite things of the year (and decade), I figured I’d be arrogant enough to think that you’re wondering what my favorite movies of the year were.

A couple of rules here:

-- These are my favorite movies of the year; not necessarily the most technically perfect. “Avatar” was a landmark achievement in filmmaking, but I can’t say that I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

-- There are a couple movies on my list that were released in 2008, but I actually saw them in 2009. That counts in my book. I can’t call them the best of 2008 if I didn’t see them until the following year

-- I stuck to movies that I saw in theaters. I’d never seen any of the X-Men movies until 2009 (it’s a long story; don’t ask), but watched them all on DVD this summer. That doesn’t count. How is that different than my previous rule? I don’t know, but it just is.

I think that’s it for rules. Let’s get to the meat-and-taters and give the people what they paid to see, shall we?. Without further ado…

10.) Public Enemies – This Michael Mann film, starring Johnny Depp Christian Bale, and Marion Cotillard, was one of the most-anticipated movies of the year for me. During my live-blogs of the NBA Finals, I probably mentioned “Public Enemies” at least 13 times. As I said in my review, there were some things about it I didn’t like. The pace early on was somewhat slow and there really wasn’t a narrative forming until about 1/3 of the way through the film. However, once Mann zeroed in on his topic (the fast-living and capers of John Dillinger), “Public Enemies” went to the next level. The last half-hour or so of this movie is downright superb and left me leaving the movie theater with an overwhelmingly positive feeling about how I’d spent the previous two hours. Full of good action, good lines, and a good story, “Public Enemies” was certainly worth the wait for me.

9.) The Blind Side – Yeah, I went there. When I first heard that they were making a movie about the life and times of Ravens OG Michael Oher, I was skeptical. I’d heard that the book on which the movie is based (written by Michael Lewis) was very good, but that doesn’t always mean a movie is a good idea. The previews came out, the buzz built, and I decided that I really wanted to see it. And I’m certainly glad that I did. Charming without ever being hokey; inspiring without ever being too preachy; and emotional without ever being too sappy; “The Blind Side” really hit on all aspects of the story equally well. Oher’s football career is documented, of course, but the relationship between he and his new family is explored as well. Sandra Bullock does a terrific job as Leigh Anne Tuohy, Michael’s “new mom”, and really gives the film its character. I can’t say that I cried during the movie, but I will admit that I had something in my eye during a scene or two. You should watch “The Blind Side”; you really should.

8.) Watchmen – Initially, I didn’t have much of a desire to see this one. I saw the trailer during my first viewing of “The Dark Knight” and thought it was fantastic. All of the action, with The Smashing Pumpkins song in the background, and a Rorschach voice-over? Superb. That got my interesting going a little bit, but the reviews were mixed upon its release so I didn’t get much of a boost from that. Eventually, I decided to give it a shot, and I’m really glad that I did. Yeah, there were some plot holes and it was a touch too long, but man, what an epic movie. The action scenes were fabulous, it has a great look to it, and the story itself was quite engrossing. You could feel the plight of these superheroes as they saw their friends being picked off one by one. I haven’t read the comic books, so I can’t give you an opinion of its loyalty to the original story; but I can say that I liked the film incarnation of “Watchmen” just fine.

7.) Zombieland – Probably the most fun I had in the movie theaters this year. Talk about a movie that knew exactly what it was and exactly what it wasn’t. Obviously, knowing that Woody Harrelson was killing zombies meant that I was going to see it regardless, but “Zombieland” surprised me with its sense of humor and irreverent charm. Never a dull moment in this movie, and just when you think things might be bogging down, Woody finds another zombie to kill in a badass way. The movie is quite gory and has some choice language, so it’s not for everyone. But if you enjoy tons of fun, a lot of action, and some genuinely good laughs, “Zombieland” is for you. Considering I enjoy all of those things immensely, and Woody Harrelson wrecking shop, I couldn’t have enjoyed this movie any more than I did.

6.) Up in the Air – A late entry into my top ten considering I just saw it a few days ago. No, this isn’t one of those “what I just saw is the best thing that I saw” type deals. What do you think I am, an Academy Award voter (why else do you think studios release their “Oscar-worthy” films at the very end of the year)? I really liked “Up in the Air”. The dialogue is sharp, the story is very interesting (and pertinent in these times), and George Clooney has never been better. If you thought he was cool and charming in the “Ocean’s” movies, wait until you see him as Ryan Bingham in this one. You probably think that I’m biased since I’m in love with her, but Anna Kendrick was lights-out as Natalie Keener, a fresh-out-of-college career woman who is the yin to Bingham’s yang. The two play off each other well and give the movie its spirit. As you watch this movie, you run the gambit of emotions and see the characters in several different lights. As character-driven movies go, this is just about as good as it gets.

5.) Star Trek – For the record, I’m not a Trekkie. Glad we cleared that up. Big Brother he told me that he didn’t want to see this movie because he didn’t like Star Trek in general. Fair enough, but I didn’t like the whole Star Trek thing either before seeing the movie (and still don’t, to be honest). However, when the previews were released, I noticed that it didn’t have the traditional Star Trek feel, and it seemed like more of a recent Star Trek, if that makes sense. Rather than being confined to spaceships and crazy galaxies, the characters were on the ground, in school, and behaving, well, normally. Plus, J.J. Abrams directed it, and I trust that guy. I saw it, and I loved it. The story was well-paced, yet informative. I didn’t feel like I missed any of the nuances of the story because Abrams was in a hurry to blow up something else. Since it’s a “reset” of the franchise, I got an education in Star Trek without having to catch up on older movies. Basically, “Star Trek” hit on all the right notes while avoiding the landmines that come with doing a film for such a famous brand. Apparently, even the old-school Trekkies liked it and thought it did justice to the original story. Who would have wagered on that? Well done, Mr. Abrams; well done, indeed.

4.) Up – In a way, this was my favorite movie on 2009. To try to describe the plot of this tale would risk getting my institutionalized, so I’ll just tell you what I thought about it. Visually, “Up” was mesmeric. The balloon-fueled house soaring over the city and into the jungle was just awe-inspiring. I don’t know how those Pixar dudes do what they do; but I’m really glad that they do (that made sense, I think). There is a scene early on that does not have a single word of dialogue, not one, and still manages to make people with any semblance of sensitivity cry. Strictly through the images and emotion pouring from the screen. Amazing. Plot-wise, “Up” is very well done. All of the twists and turns have a point, and there is never a scene in which you find yourself wondering how it ties into the overarching story. The characters are remarkably developed, and you find yourself rooting for some and rooting against the others simply because of who they are and what they stand for. There are many, many funny moments that draw genuine laughs from anyone watching the movie. If you’re not laughing when Russell’s face is loudly dragging across the window of Muntz’s zeppelin, then I don’t want to know you. All in all, “Up” manages to tell a funny, exciting, heartwarming story without ever being cheesy and without relying on the stunning visuals to carry it. What people fail to realize about Pixar is that when they make a movie, they don’t make something pretty and then shoehorn in a story; they write a fascinating story and then add in the visuals. And it shows with a classic like “Up”.

3.) The Hangover – Come on now, you knew it was coming. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much in a movie theater. Sure, it probably doesn’t have the technical merits of “Up” or the charm of “Up in the Air”, but I had a really, really good time watching “The Hangover”. The story is quite original in its own right. Yeah, the “let’s go to a vacation spot and have something crazy happen” angle isn’t new, but the way in which the story was told is. Rather than showing the debauchery that occurred the night Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil went to Vegas for Doug’s bachelor party and ended up losing Doug, the story begins with the trip to Vegas, but then skips ahead to the morning after. From there, the memory-impaired trio must attempt to retrace their steps from the night before in order to find their lost friend (and groom). Hilarity ensues, their story goes from crazy to crazier, and the laughs keep coming. The dialogue in the movie is great, and the chemistry between the nerd (Stu), the cool friend (Phil), and the eccentric brother-in-law-to-be (Alan) really shines. It’s one of those movies that you think would be a lot of fun to make because everyone in the movie seems to be having a good time. Mike Tyson’s cameo, a tiger in the bathroom, and a white baby named Carlos; what else could you ask for? For me, the answer is nothing.

2.) Slumdog Millionaire – Remember how I mentioned that there would be a movie or two from 2008 that would be on the list? Yeah, here’s the first one. Released late last year, I saw “Slumdog” in February 2009, a few days after my birthday. I’d heard all of the hype and what not, but my homeboy GB told me to see it, and when GB tells me to see a movie, I probably need to see it. Without giving too much away, “Slumdog” is about an Indian young man who gets on the Indian version of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” in order to attract the attention of his childhood love interest, who he knows is a fan of the show. Despite not having any formal education, the guy is able to answer questions based on previous life experiences. Those experiences comprise the bulk of the movie, as we see his evolution from young boy to young man in these flashbacks. “Slumdog” is very intense and keeps you on the edge of your seat throughout. Not in a thriller-genre type way, but in a “man, I can’t wait to see what happens next” type of way. You’re never scared, but you are captivated the entire time you’re watching it. The way the filmmaker, Danny Boyle, intertwines the flashback scenes with the present-day action is pure genius, and gives “Slumdog” a wonderful pace. If you haven’t seen it yet, do so ASAP. It’s one of the rare movies that actually lives up to the hype.

1.) The Wrestler – And here is the other movie from 2008 that makes my list. It happens to be the chart-topper, no less. This isn’t some commentary on the lackluster filmmaking in 2009 or anything silly like that, I just really liked these two movies, especially “The Wrestler”. As a kid, I grew up watching professional wrestling religiously. From about 1990 through 2000, I could name every wrestler in both major promotions (WCW and WWF), the storylines in which he/she was involved, his/her favorite moves, and the other personas that that wrestler had used. I was a wrestling junkie. If you try to tell me that Demolition was better than the Road Warriors, I really might try to fight you. Anyway, being a fan also had its downside. Mainly, when wrestlers die young (as many of them do, sadly), you begin to wonder what it took for those guys to entertain you every night. The toll that it takes on their bodies is massive, and the mental repercussions of performing in such a profession begin to manifest as well. I say all that to say this: “The Wrestler” showed me what the dark side of professional wrestling looks like. It was gripping, emotional, and sometimes dreary. Watching Mickey Rourke portray Randy “The Ram” Robinson was like watching one of my old favorite wrestlers bandy about in society trying to find their way outside the only world they’ve ever known. Once the arena lights and crowd noise are removed from these guys’ lives, they never quite behave the same. They know nothing else. For too long, wrestlers have been dying too soon at an alarming rate and their story was never told. Thanks to director Darren Aronofsky and Rourke’s legendary performance, we got a glimpse into the under belly of pro wrestling. No, it wasn’t pretty, but I can honestly say that I will never forget the way that “The Wrestler” made me feel while I was watching it, and the way that it made me think after I left the theater. Rest in peace to all of my childhood heroes of the squared circle who are no longer with us.

There you have it. My ten favorite movies of 2009. What do you think? Do you agree for the most part? Disagree for the most part? I realize that I left out some movies that a lot you liked, but there were some that I wasn’t so fond of, and others that I just didn’t get around to seeing. Here’s a quick list of movies that I wanted to see, but never did so: Inglourious Basterds, State of Play, Michael Jackson’s This Is It (I should be draw-and-quartered for not seeing this), Brothers, Ninja Assassin, Everybody’s Fine, Invictus, Sherlock Holmes (high on the list for 2010), and Couples Retreat (surprised? Yeah, me too, but Jason Bateman is my boy, and it, along with State of Play, is the only movie of his that I haven’t seen; that’s the only reason it’s on here).

~~ Lank

Bored Lank = Interesting Factoid

A buddy of mine at work, Gotham, sent me an interesting question via email today. He asked me who had more players in the NBA, the ACC or the Big East? Gotham is a native New Yorker (hence his alias) and supports the Big East, so I'm sure he was trying to win a bet or something. I confessed that I didn't have the answer on hand, but told him I'd do some research. A few hours later, I had some down time, so I decided to look over every NBA roster and do the math myself. Here are the results for those two conferences as well as the other "BCS conferences" (rosters as of December 30, 2009):

Big East - 52

ACC - 49

Pac-10 - 47

SEC - 37

Big 12 - 34

Big Ten - 31

Nothing overly surprising there. The Big East was boosted by the fact that I included all of the alumni of teams that are currently in the conference, so guys like Kenyon Martin and Quentin Richardson, who never played in the Big East, were counted towards their total. May this post prove to you that if you need any questions born out of curiosity answered, email me at work and I'll be happy to do my best. Is that what they're paying me for? Not really, but we'll consider my employer a co-investor in Skip To My Lank so that I can sleep better at night. How's that?

~~ Lank

Texas Tech Gets Messy

Talk about a story that keeps getting weirder and weirder. The Mike Leach fiasco at Texas Tech reached an apex today when the university fired their successful football coach “with cause”, amidst reports that Leach mistreated a member of his football team by placing him in an electrical closet during practice after the player had mentioned suffering a concussion.

Oh, and did I mention that this player is Adam James, the son of ESPN analyst Craig James? If you don’t think that had anything to do with the magnitude of this story, then I have some residential property in Las Vegas I’d like to sell you.

Adam James is a little-used wide receiver and was supposedly frustrated with his playing time. Needless to say, he and Coach Leach probably didn’t have the best of relationships; especially if James had a girlfriend. When whatever happened happened (and the details are still coming out. Leach admits to keeping James away from the team during practice, but in an air-conditioned facility that was near the practice fields. Either way, it’s one man’s word against another and the truth will likely never be known), James probably took it extremely hard, considering the incident was coupled with the frustration of not playing on a regular basis.

Adding a further layer to the story is the fact that Texas Tech and Leach had a very testy contract renegotiation last summer, and haven’t been on the same page ever since. Leach and AD Gerald Myers have a relatively frosty relationship, making it all the more unsurprising that Leach was fired. As soon as word about the incident emerged, I was pretty sure that the end result would be a parting of ways of some kind. That’s not to say that there was conspiracy against Leach by the administration or anything, but he was on a short leash, to say the least. When you get accused of putting a player in an electrical closet as punishment (for an injury, no less), that tends to violate a “short leash”. I’m just saying.

According to reports, the players aren’t in complete agreement about the decision. Some are defending James and saying that they’re happier now that Leach is gone. Others have questioned James’ work ethic and the validity of his story. Defensive coordinator Ruffin McNeil has taken over as interim head coach, and does not appear to have been involved in any of the episodes that occurred at Texas Tech during this period. With all of this in mind, it’ll be interesting to see how the Red Raiders perform in the Alamo Bowl against Michigan State (January 2nd, ESPN, 9 pm). Will they unite during the turmoil and put on a good performance? Or will they fall prey to all of the distractions and come out looking rattled? They’re better than Michigan State, so the only thing affecting the outcome of this game is Texas Tech’s mindset.

It’s hard to say what’s next for Mike Leach. He’s regarded as a brilliant offensive mind, as evidenced by the fact that his teams regularly score some of the highest point totals in the country. However, in today’s politically correct world, the mishandling of a player is a scarlet letter of sorts for coaches. It’s ok to lie to athletics directors, switch schools at the drop of a hat, and violate recruiting bylaws. But if you mistreat a player, whew boy, you’re considered a bad person. My best guess is that he’ll resurface at the mid-major level, keep his nose clean for a few years, and then get another big-time gig. His behavior at Texas Tech has always been quirky, but never abrasive, so future employers will be willing to overlook this incident so long as it seems to be an isolated occurrence. Besides, America is all about giving coaches with questionable ethics second chances.

Just ask Nick Saban.

~~ Lank

The Cat Whisperer

I alluded to this little episode in my Christmas recap, but here it is in all its glory.

My buddy, Dirty D, wanted to get his mom a new kitten for Christmas. His family has one, but they’d previously owned another one before it passed away, so he wanted to get the total back to two. Without having a car to drive, he asked me if I would mind taking him to get the new kitten. I had no qualms with it, and was happy to help a brotha out…especially when it comes to buying Mom Dukes a Christmas present. Due to needing to keep the kitten with its mother for a certain timeframe, the earliest we could pick up the kitten was Christmas Eve. No biggie, this would only take an hour or so, right?

Wrong.

We set off to get the kitten from a couple whose cat had just delivered a litter of them (I don’t know if “litter” is the proper term for cats, but I know that it is for dogs, so we’ll just use it anyway, ok? Thanks, I knew you’d understand). Dirty D picks up the kitten, makes some small talk with the couple, and then tells me that he’d appreciate it if we stopped by Wal-Mart or PetSmart to pick up a few things for Little Kitty Thing (who will now be referred to as ‘LKT’ for the remainder of the post). Yeah, not a problem, how long can it take? A half hour at most?

Try again.

Wal-Mart was more crowded than a mall with Justin Bieber playing, so we decided PetSmart would be the better option; especially since LKT could come in with us (for the record, I hate cats. I think they bring nothing to the table as pets and cost entirely too much since you get zero return on your investment. Well, except sass and attitude. And if I wanted sass and attitude, I’d just get a girlfriend, but that’s neither here nor there…). This is literally how the beginning of our trip to PetSmart went:

Dirty D (holding LKT): “Yo, could you grab a cart so we can put the stuff in it?”

Me (not holding LKT): “Yeah, sure.”

I turn around to grab a cart.

I hear some chatter going on behind me.

I grab the cart, whip back around, and BOOM, there she is…The Cat Whisperer.

I’m like 97.2% sure she rappelled from the ceiling or something. Maybe she came up from beneath us. I honestly wouldn’t call you a liar if you told me that she’d vaporized upon seeing us and then regenerated at our location. I mean, it was ninja-esque. As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew I’d better block out a solid hour for this trip to PetSmart. Yippee.

The Cat Whisperer: “Hi, my name is (The Cat Whisperer); do you need help with getting some things for your new kitten?”

Me (in my head, though I almost blurted it out): “For the love of God, D; please say no. Please, please, please say no.”

Dirty D: “Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Me (again, in my head, but I got even closer to blurting this out): “Awesome? Seriously? You think that’d be awesome? I think I’d rather be tied down while a bunch of kindergartners pull my hair and paint all over my clothes. Awesome?”

The Cat Whisperer then proceeds to tell us that she owns like 3,148 cats, has worked in a cat adoption agency for years, and volunteers at PetSmart’s adoption clinic to help out new owners.

Fantastic. This just keeps getting better and better.

The Cat Whisperer grabs her cart, which has four cats in travel carriers in it. Seriously, I counted them. At first I thought they were empty travel carriers that she was stocking or something. But no, they definitely had cats in them. All of them. While sitting in a shopping cart. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda weird? Yes? Ok, never mind then.

Being an optimist, I try to convince myself that her experience is going to lead to a quick trip through PetSmart since she’ll know exactly where everything is, and exactly what LKT will need to grow up big and strong like ox. The 2% of me that’s a pessimist realized that this could also mean that she’d take her sweet time explaining every nuance of every product to us, “informing” us so that we could make the best decision for our new kitten (and by “we”, I mean “Dirty D”, because I didn’t care what we bought as long as it didn’t kill LKT).

I hate it when my pessimist side is right; I really do.

For the next 45 minutes, we peruse the aisles as The Cat Whisperer gives us the in-and-out of every product. Food, toys, beds, bowls; you name it, we got the lowdown on it. The sad thing is that Dirty D wasn’t looking for anything too fancy, because LKT just needed a temporary home until he was old enough to be introduced to the rest of the house (and the other cat). The other sad thing is that Dirty D could tell by the pained expression on my face that I really wanted to vamoose, but he proceeded to ask more and more questions anyway. I respect the fact that he’s a caring owner and wants to do right by LKT; I really do.

But Lank was ready to roll (yes, I just went third-person on you).

Finally, we get everything that we “needed” and say farewell to The Cat Whisperer. She lectured us on proper feeding techniques before she dismissed us from class, and told us to come back and see her if we had any questions or concerns. At least now I know what I can do if I ever have a good hour or so that I need to waste. Glad that’s cleared up.

We check out, put all of LKT’s goodies in my car and head home. Once we’re there, we smuggled LKT and his treasure trove into Dirty D’s room. His mother was unaware that he was getting her a kitten, so we had to be secretive once we got back to his house. That, and his dad probably would’ve punted LKT 50 yards had he known he existed before Dirty D presented LKT to his mom, so the stakes were high.

All’s well that ends well, right? Dirty D kept LKT hidden, his mom was very, very happy with her gift the next day, and LKT got a real name: Peanut.

So, Peanut, live a full, healthy life; respect your elders; say your prayers; take your vitamins; and behave for Uncle Lank whenever he comes to visit. Lord knows that he and Brother Dirty D had to dodge some bullets to get you where you are, so appreciate our efforts and make our trip worthwhile.

Man, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like I should have titled this post “Saving Private Peanut".

~~ Lank